Christiano Ronaldo is a Bit of a Ponce

We always suspected as much but here is the photographic evidence of Christiano Ronaldo having his hair and make up done before the match. No doubt the pregnant lady in the picture is one of his 'sub-contractors'.

One wonders what  footballers of an earlier generation like Norman Hunter and Billy Bremner would make of this. Mincemeat, probably.

Why It All Went Wrong

A physicist, a mechanical engineer and a software developer were travelling in a car which broke down. The physicist suggested reviewing the laws of physics to figure out why the car would not work. The mechanical engineer suggested looking under the bonnet. And the software developer proposed that everyone should get out, then get back in again to see if that would reboot the motor. There was a banker in the car too. He said "Give me a fiver each and I'll hire a cab for you three when I've walked back to that town we just passed".
So they did, but they didn't see the banker again. And they are still waiting for the cab.

Plumbing

When the architect designed our penthouse suite he didn't think he needed to include specifications for what to do about the plumbing as he assumed the builder would just sort it out using his common sense. The builder, however, has no sense at all. He just left it to the plumber. He figured, oh well, I'll just put pipes where they'll go, making it up as he went along. So no provision was made for the pipes to be integral; they are on the outside of the building.

We've since had to renew the plumbing in the old flat because the pipes had corroded - this has meant our new plumber having to add to the circumlocutory nature of the supplies of water to bathroom, toilet and kitchen. Here's a short movie of the result.

Security

In case you were wondering what happened to all those wretched souls who were formerly employed by the East German Government in the infamous Ministerium für Staatssicherheit, aka The Stasi, I think I may have located several of them now doing their thing on a sub-contractor basis in Airport Security. Most of them are to be found in the USA putting on weight as part of the Transportation Security Agency, an adjunct of the Department of Homeland Security. Organisations which are there ostensibly to protect the citizens but which make a bigger contribution in terms of generating a sense of paranoia that whoever our current enemy is might be about to blow us up. Meanwhile, freedoms are gradually chipped away, things get ridiculous, and we all sigh.

I had dutifully put my bag and laptop into separate trays to be passed through the x-ray machine, and asked whether it was required that I should remove my shoes. No, I could keep my shoes on but I must put my watch in the tray as it would alarm the metal detector. I had never been told to do this by other functionaries and expressed surprise as I had first-hand experience of my watch not setting off the metal detector.

"Ah, but it's plastic," I said.

"Bot it iss a votch!" replied the Fraulein functionary.

"Yes. It's a plastic watch."

"Bot it iss a votch!", she urged.

"Plastic. Won't set off the detector."

"Bot it iss a votch!" The functionary's eyes narrowed, and I started to feel uneasy.

"OK. It's a watch. It's plastic." I sighed. I could see the Fraulein begin to look around her as if to summon the armed guards and thought better of any further discussion. A votch is a votch, after all, so I put it in the tray.

"Und your belt." She said through clenched teeth, eyes glaring.

"I'm not wearing a belt." Fraulein Votchspotter made no attempt to lift up my shirt and check, however. I raised my eyebrows and beamed at the Fraulein, passed through the metal detector unbeeped and unmolested, and my trays sailed through the x-ray machine without comment.

The irony is that in my typically absent-minded way I had forgotten that there were items in my bag that I really should have packed in my suitcase, rather than risk confiscation:

A Swiss Army penknife, a small spanner, a small pair of pliers, a miniature screw driver, a small pair of scissors, a miniature Swiss Army penknife, and various other items that might come in handy including a piece of string, a spirit level, metal tape measure and two torches. Any of which could be used by even a semi-skilled ne'er do well to cause unrest of one kind or another, but none of which were detected by the vigilant Fraulein Votchspotter or the expensive equipment.

Ho hum. I suppose it's all worthwhile...

Better Out Than In

From Chip Shop Awards

John McLaughlin & The 4th Dimension

Steely Dan, Live!

There are many reasons why a concert by Steely Dan is a truly wonderful experience. Original songs; nifty chords; economic uber-cool jazz-type rock arrangements; impeccable musicianship; humour and a general sense of enjoyment; and the backing singers. Not only can they handle the harmonic intricacies but they sure can kimbo, and they more than compensate for the ugliness of the central protagonists Becker and Fagen. 
[A moment of puerile sexism. Sorry.]

Catch 22 Strikes Again

If you want to transfer the ownership of your car in Cyprus, both buyer and seller have to attend the 'Citizens' Office' (if you can find it), queue up and sign the appropriate papers. Eventually, one might hope, this procedure will be possible online or even by post, but that's for αύριο (tomorrow) as the Cypriots might say.

However, there is a little wrinkle. The Regulations are such that only the registered owner of the car may take out insurance on the car but you can only register your ownership of the car if you have insurance. So there is a period in the procedure when time has to stop whilst you simultaneously register your ownership and get insurance. Of course, insurance is not provided by the government authorities who register car ownership but by a private sector supplier, who will be located elsewhere. Thus the telephone and Fax machine come in handy while time stands still so that you can register ownership while you get insurance which you can only get if you are the registered owner for which you have to have insurance before you can register ownership. Neat!

Stuff That Should Be Disinvented

Dogs

They bark, crap randomly, piddle unnecessarily, breed indiscriminately, and sniff each others' bottoms (and humans' nether regions too if given the chance). Some of them are dangerous.

Inappropriate and loud piped music in shops and restaurants

If yer fool enough to go to a disco, loud music probably helps the ambiance and frees up yer inhibitions a tad, especially if it's a good record, so fair enough. But attempting to eat whilst being forced to listen to some techno-bass-trip-hop in a room with lousy acoustics anyway is not much fun. Most people want to talk over a meal. Crap music plus bad acoustics makes this impossible causing a chap to have to talk louder and so it goes.

Christmas Records

If I have to hear Happy Christmas as enunciated by Mr Noddy Holder of the teenage pop combo Slade ever again, there will be measures. This cultural phenomenon is also the cause of several heinous crimes against music by Sir Clifford of Richard.

The Daily Mail

Right wing claptrap mostly made up. Biased, prejudiced, and responsible for misinforming and misleading gullible twits.

Currency Speculation

A chap can understand the business of stocks and shares being sold and traded as it relates to the performance of a single corporate entity. But currency speculation is related to the overall performance of a nation's, or zone's, economy which is made up of very diverse elements and which a government only nominally controls. Besides this, the only people who benefit from currency speculation are the speculators whereas entire national economies can lose by it. Seems daft that governments allow it!

Autotune

Amongst other digital developments, autotune has inflicted upon us a series of talentless no-hopers and records that all sound the same. If you can't sing you shouldn't be a singer!

Eton & Oxford etc.

The old boy network that perpetuates social division and oppression, and results in idiots like Cameron becoming Prime Minister, and jobs for the boys. I could go on.

Bagpipes

The definition of a gentleman is a chap who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

Nuclear weapons

These have been used twice. By the USA in the name of democracy, against civilians. Otherwise the notion of Mutually Assured Destruction has inhibited their deployment - be grateful the Russians had them too. Meanwhile, 'conventional' warfare has continued unchecked so what's the point? The problem is that none of the Powers That Be want to be the first to get rid of them, but just think of all the money we could save!

Chelsea Football Club

Chchchtt, ptoo, splat!

The Sanctum of Blessed Relief

Here's the other part of this year's project, now completed.

What Do We Want?

[With thanks to Tom.]

What a BRA-gain!

I took a trip to the Westfield Stratford shopping centre at the weekend, and I am very glad that I did...
There are hundreds of shops there, and a new one just opened. Intimissimi.
Intimissimi is an Italian clothing company specialising in ladies underwear. And as it was their opening weekend, ALL the bras were on sale for £9! So, this member of Xorg Intergalactic was able to get £55 worth of bra for £18! What a bargain!


I will not be burning these items in the foreseeable future (see post of 28th December 2010)

The Police: Live!

I was proceeding in an easterly direction along the seafront promenade with my colleague El Presidente  when I accounted a group of males and females in quasi-military uniform in Kimon Square preparing for some kind of exhibition or protest. We located a bench nearby from where we could observe the proceedings. The accused were led by a middle-aged Caucasian of average height and build, who communicated to his followers via a series of hand signals which, I regret to inform the Court, I could not decipher. It soon became apparent that we were witnessing an arresting performance of various light classics and popular tunes by The Larnaca Municipal Police Band.

There were good cops and there were bad cops but no Laughing Policeman. The drummer, however, sported a lascivious grin and a few of the female members were seen to giggle from time to time. None of the accused attempted to disguise their appearance and, indeed, bore identification markings. Fortunately, I had about my person my trusty hand-held imaging device and I was able to record events as they unfolded. As a matter of courtesy I will not ask the court to view the band's rendition of a medley of Michael Jackson and Madonna 'hits' from the Eighties. Instead, I offer as evidence of this heinous crime, this short film of their enunciation of 'Copacabana' co-composed by the estimable hooter on legs, Barry Manilow.

It's a dirty job, m'Lud, but someone's got to do it.

A Fab New Kitchen Diner

Well, here it is folks. The completed refurbishment of the kitchen etc. Now in use by aged relatives.

Exploding Pants

From Newsbiscuit 

A new to-die-for range of incendiary panty line brief bombs threatens to fly off the shelves at outlets of the Taliban’s favourite shop, Martyrs and Spinsters.The range of exploding underwear, a mixture of Semtex and wearable microfibres, promises to lift and separate martyrs like never before. ‘With these pants your buttocks will end up in different post codes,’ says one designer who worked on the new range, ‘and you’ll be lifted into paradise in no time.’

[Note for rabid Imams: It's a joke. Satire. A spoof, highlighting how silly and cowardly this so-called jihad has become. We 'heathens' generally find pants intrinsically humourous.]

Ukulele Orchestra in Shameless Appeal for Cash

The Ukulele Orchestra of Great Britain has been to Australia and had a jolly good time by the sound of it. Well, you can't help but have a good time with a ukulele in your hands.

A chap by the name of Robert Stern has been filming the Ukes and needs £40,000 Australian Dollars to complete production of a DVD documentary of the tour and we are all invited to chip in to make this possible. You won't get a share of any profits from the sale of the documentary (in the unlikely event that there are any) but you will at least get a thank you credit and possibly more depending on how much you contribute. Go to The Ukes Down Under for full details. Meanwhile, here's a video to entice you into the world of funding the Ukes:

See also The Ukulele Orchestra's own website.

Beer and Brains

(With thanks to Lord Trousers Himself)

Hole in t'Road

We were awoken this morning by the sound of digging machines, lorries and a pneumatic drill as the Water Board set about renewing connections to the mains for some of the houses up the road. All very entertaining as they made no attempt at first to divert traffic, and they arbitrarily chose to deposit several tons of hardcore on the vacant plot of land next to our house, only narrowly avoiding the parked cars. Eventually they did block the road to traffic, but still allowed pedestrians to wander by regardless of the heavy machinery and trip hazards. Any road up, all done and finished in six hours or so and awaiting re-tarmacking. They don't hang about as the Cypriots are quite keen on avoiding leaks, unlike the utilities companies in the UK. If they get a drought here, it's a proper drought and not one brought about by losing 25% of the supply in the pipe network!

Trouble at t'Taverna

It's all gone doolally in The Cradle of Democracy with the electorate daring to vote against the mainstream parties, Pasok and  New Democracy, who agreed the austerity package with Germany and France. It might not be sensible, but it is understandable that the left-wing coalition party Syriza is insisting on abandoning austerity and calling for a moratorium on debt repayments. This will probably lead to tears before bedtime if not the collapse of the Euro or, more likely, Greece being ejected from the Eurozone. As reported by The Guardian, Syriza is offering to form a condition with either of the mainstream parties on the following conditions:

1) The immediate cancellation of all impending measures that will impoverish Greeks further, such as cuts to pensions and salaries.
2) The immediate cancellation of all impending measures that undermine fundamental workers' rights, such as the abolition of collective labour agreements.
3) The immediate abolition of a law granting MPs immunity from prosecution, reform of the electoral law and a general overhaul of the political system.That would include abolishing the 50-seat bonus for the party which wins the most seats.
4) An investigation into Greek banks, and the immediate publication of the audit performed on the Greek banking sector by BlackRock.
5) The setting up of an international auditing committee to investigate the causes of Greece's public deficit, with a moratorium on all debt servicing until the findings of the audit are published.

Good luck with (1) and (2). I have to say I like (3), (4), and (5).

MadDonald's

It has been the policy here at Xorg Inter-Galactic for some time now that we do not eat at McDonald's so-called restaurants, unless as a last resort. Let's face it, the 'food' is rubbish and less than satisfying.

But yesterday evening I felt the need for a cup of coffee and rather than pay Starbuck's exorbitant prices for a mediocre product, or those being charged by the other refreshment emporiums on the seafront, I ventured into McDonald's. They will sell you a cup of Douwe Egbert's bog standard filter coffee for €1, so why not?

The coffee itself was OK. But the retail experience reminded me of another reason why one stays out of Ronald's domain. It was absolute bloody bedlam in there. And mayhem, to boot, moreover besides. It's a mystery to me that society has allowed itself to accept this as normal behaviour.

Perigee-syzygy of the Earth-Moon-Sun System

You'll find better pictures of the so-called  'Supermoon' elsewhere (e.g. at the Guardian) but here's how it looked just after the firework display following the flower festival in Larnaca. Picture taken without the aid of a tripod or safety net, hence camera shake!

Note for the astronomically unaware: The moon is actually the same size as it usually is. It just seemed to be bigger as it is temporarily a bit closer to the earth as a result of its elliptical orbit. At least I hope that's the explanation, otherwise it's Goodnight, Vienna!

Some enterprising chap on the seafront was charging people €1 a peep to look through his big telescope at the moon. There weren't many takers but this was perhaps because of his low-key marketing which consisted of the words 'Moon €1' scrawled on a piece of cardboard.

Legal Advice for Cameron

From The Independent yesterday:

"David Cameron is preparing for his appearance before the Leveson Inquiry later this month by receiving personal legal tutoring from a small group of leading lawyers. The legal briefings for the Prime Minister come in a week when the Leveson's Inquiry's investigation of News International moves uncomfortably closer to No 10." 

Cartoon from The New Yorker.

What a Pong!

It has been necessary to clear out the drains leading from the ground floor flat to the main sewer. We have engaged a Greek Cypriot from Sheffield for this purpose and he's busy rodding as we speak. Unfortunately this has meant removal of all the drain covers with the result that a vicious pong has been enveloping the vicinity, causing one's nose to curl up and die. Yeccch. Think yourselves lucky that Google does not (yet) allow me to cut and paste and/or embed the odour for your delectation!

The drain, not surprisingly, is blocked with various fatty deposits from the lady downstairs' kitchen, although she denies any culpability. Circumstantial evidence, i.e. that she's the only person who has been using the drains for the last six months, would seem to indicate otherwise. Any road up, there goes another €70!

Marinos Konstantinou is a Crook

Older readers may recall the tales of woe recounted here concerning our travails with Marinos the builder. To summarise, he is useless at building, he attempted to swindle us at every turn and, to make matters worse, he is a dangerous psychopath.

Marinos was introduced to us by El Prez's Uncle from whom he has been renting his office/shop premises. Uncle and Marinos have been friends for years and belong to the same social club so everyone thought Marinos would be reliable. But it turns out that after having made our lives a misery, Marinos has done a moonlight flit owing Uncle over €1,000 in rent. Despite many promises to pay up, he never did, so Uncle has had to engage a lawyer and start court proceedings. This has produced a promise to pay €200, via a mutual friend from the social club - from whom Marinos is borrowing the €200. Meanwhile, Uncle has discovered that Marinos has not paid his water bills and Uncle has been lumbered with paying off the debt. That, together with his legal fees, has swallowed up the €200. No doubt Marinos has a trail of other debts around the place that will soon be catching up with him, but it's any body's guess if he's got the money to pay. If he has, it will be hidden away somewhere beyond scrutiny by the authorities.

However, Uncle is extremely aggrieved at this betrayal by someone he thought of as a friend so he isn't giving up and has vowed to pursue the little blighter to the gates of hell.

Λουλούδια στη βροχή

It's tanking it down. Absolute downpour during the night along with howling gales and it's continued into today. Fortunately the new drain (improvised by Dinos and Dikaios) is holding up under pressure. So much for my big plan! (See earlier post).

May Day

This is probably something that will horrify yer average American but Cyprus remains one of the countries where it is considered perfectly normal and socially acceptable to be left-wing and to call yourself a Socialist and, hold your frothing mouth Mr Romney, even to be a Communist! Yep, the President is a democratically elected Communist. He leads a coalition government, and has cordial relations with both America and Russia. Cyprus remains a market economy, however. You try and stop a Cypriot from being enterprising!

Any road up, May Day is a Bank Holiday and the left-wing parties and the Trade Unions all get together for parades and speeches. The parades feature marching bands of drums with the occasional bugle - each Union and/or area having its own band. At the end of the parade, the Union leaders give speeches which, unfortunately, tend to go on a bit. The Brothers have yet to learn that four minutes hitting the spot is better than fifteen minutes of circumlocutory diatribe. Be that as it may, the lads have pointed out that The Struggle continues and that capitalism doesn't seem to be working all that well either.

Here's a couple of minutes of slide show of yesterday's activities in Larnaca. Note the lad with duct tape on his bass drum, a typically Cypriot approach to problem-solving, and the old lags in their red shirts. An aspect I liked was how relaxed everyone was and the way the crowd applauded the marchers. No police were on duty and the Union stewards took a laid back approach.

Magic Flowers

I bought this plant at the market a couple of days ago. I don't know what it's called or whether or not it is indigenous to Cyprus but it is definitely groovy. When the weather is dull and overcast the flowers close up. But when the sun comes out the flowers open. Fascinating. I plan to spend a whole day watching it.

Update: the proper name for this plant is lampranthus roseus

Delivering a Kitchen

Our man Spyro having made up the new kitchen brought it on his truck and arranged for a cherry-picker forklift to raise it up to the first floor, where it is to be installed. This was at times a nail-biting operation as yer average Cypriot is pretty much not very bothered at all about Health & Safety issues. No attempt is made to divert or halt traffic whilst the forklift chap does his thing; and Kyriacou in the motor bike repair shop just carries on regardless despite the precariously balanced load hovering overhead. Meanwhile, all are completely oblivious to the power lines above, which carry 50 amps, and nobody wears a hard-hat.
Safety at work remains a high priority, according to the Minister of Labour and Social Insurance Sotiroula Charalambous

Euro 2012 Footy

The Premier League run in, the FA Cup Final, and the Champions League Final; it's all going to get a but frantic over the next month or so. There's two or three weeks off and then it will be the Euro 2012 Tournament.

UEFA have very kindly devised an interactive doodad setting out the Euro 2012 Fixtures. England are up against France on 11 June in Donetsk. You can't buy tickets at the moment, most having been sold already, but some tickets will become available 'in early May'. England v. France will cost you either 120, 70 or 30 euros plus booking fee, admin, secure delivery blah blah. The Final will be 600, 300 or 50 euros. The cheaper tickets are presumably intended for the local plebs who will no doubt be supplying the black market!

Lucky Di Matteo Parks The Bus

Older readers may recall what the erstwhile Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho said when complaining about Tottenham Hotspur's tactics after they successfully frustrated in a 2004/2005 Premier League match:

"they brought the bus and they left the bus in front of the goal"

Which is basically what Chelsea's approach to both legs of the Champion's League semi-final has been. Seven men in defence, with two midfielders and one striker helping out. Chelsea, however, have had all the luck, which their interim manage Roberto Di Matteo seems to have brought with him. They had three chances on goal over the two matches and scored on each of them whereas Barcelona had innumerable chances and scored only twice. Meanwhile, Barcelona failed to win - Messi tried to place his penalty above the keeper and below the bar and failed when enny fule kno it is easier to score by hitting the ball to the left or the right of the keeper. They persisted in playing delicate intricate football trying to pass the ball into the net, as anticipated by Di Matteo. They should have tried to surprise Chelsea by lobbing the ball over the top, or shooting quickly from distance. I have discussed the matter with Spyro and we are agreed that the Barcelona goal that was ruled offside was not. True football fans will recall Chelsea being awarded a goal against Spurs which did not cross the line, and which John Terry admits was not a goal. Lucky Matteo.

One bright spot to emerge though is that the aforementioned Arch-thug and Cheater General John Terry was caught at last, assaulting Sanchez from behind, and given a straight red card so he will miss the final, along with Meireles, Ramires and Ivanovic, thus making the task a bit easier for either Bayern Munich or Real Madrid.

Counter Terror Expo

"An yll wynde that blowth no man to good, men say." - John Heywood, A dialogue conteinyng the nomber in effect of all the prouerbes in the Englishe tongue, 1546.

He was a lousy speller but Mr Heywood has hit the biscuit with the apostrophe so far as the 'war on terror' is concerned. You still have a couple of days in which to attend the Counter Terror Expo at Olympia, London where you will find all manner of dedicated professionals and businesses eager to sell you armoured vehicles, kevlar vests, CCTV, various weaponry and so forth to assist you in dealing with the terrorist threat:

"Counter Terror Expo features a highly relevant centrepiece conference designed to deliver insight, analysis and perspective to current threats, an extensive and highly specialised programme of workshops developed to offer an in-depth examination of specific issues and provide a focused forum for debate, as well as one of the largest showcase exhibitions of its kind anywhere and which attracts the leading vendors globally."

I must say it was jolly nice of the late Osama Bin Laden to have inspired the development of this particular branch of globalised economic development! No doubt the exhibitors have taken steps to ensure that none of these scheming Al Q'Aeeda chappies attend their workshops icognito in order to check out the counter-measures to their measures so that they can counter the counter-measures. And, of course, it's a complete coincidence that all the equipment and expertise on sale might also be used by an oppressive government to suppress legitimate civil unrest. But I shouldn't be so cynical; no doubt the vendors think carefully about to whom they are selling their products.

Bert Weedon is no more...

In the late Fifties and early Sixties anyone who fancied learning to play the guitar inevitably bought a copy of 'Play in a Day' by Bert Weedon. Not many were really sure who he was but you might have spotted him guesting on some crummy TV programme or heard him, unknowingly, playing as a session man on some record or other, making up for the technicall shortcomings of the average pop star of the time. But his book 'Play in a Day' was pretty much the only teach-yourself guitar tutor book around, so everyone from Eric Clapton to Alf Coggins started off with that. These days, of course, they teach rock n'roll guitar in school and you can get a degree in how to be a pop star. Back then it was just you and your friends and Bert.

Sadly, the inestimable Mr Weedon has passed away aged 91. I guess there will be many guitarists - professional or amateur - who will reflect on the memory of Mr Weedon with affection.

Today

No keeping the Sabbath Day holy for this lot! Eight o'clock this morning and work resumed, smashing walls down and clearing up. By about half three they were all done, and ready for the building phase to begin tomorrow with a delivery of concrete at 7.30 am. Why didn't we know about these fellows when we did the previous project?

Yesterday

Any road up, peeps, the lads got cracking and here's what the place looked like yesterday evening after two days work. Bathroom and toilet cleared, and a start made on the new plumbing and kitchen semi-demolishificated. Dust everywhere!

Tomorrow

Wonders will never cease!

Dodgy plumbing in the old bathroom necessitates renewal of the pipes (as the Bishop said to the Actress) and this has brought forward El Presidente's plans to substantially revise both the bathroom and kitchen. This involves engaging some local artisans of various specialities and expertise and, fortunately, we know a plumber who is the son of El Presidente's mother's erstwhile schoolfriend. El Prez forewarned him of the project prior to our present visit to our colonial estates and so when she contacted him on our arrival he was on the spot, with a builder chum, within hours to firm up the arrangements. "When can you start work" asked El Prez. "Oh, tomorrow" says Mr Plumber. Now then usually when a Cypriot says tomorrow it could mean anything; this week, next week,Monday afternoon, who knows?

But blow me down and call me a national disaster, at 8 am the following morning there they were! And work got underway immediately. My eyebrows leaped several centimetres! Of course, this has meant that El Prez and I too have had to get cracking, ordering supplies, clearing furniture and valuables out of the way and so forth. So yesterday was a long day involving interminable visits to tile shops, bathroom shops and...IKEA. But don't get me started on my views of the IKEA shopping experience...let us enjoy this moment of unaccustomed Cypriot alacrity!

Take A Nap, Sherlock!

This person is in the running for a Well Done, Sherlock! award. Dr Sara Mednick, who has a Phd in Psychology from Harvard and is a researcher and faculty member at the University of California, has figured out that taking a nap in the afternoon can be quite refreshing. She's even written a book about it, available from our tax-dodging friends at Amazon for a mere £8.99.

Her researches have revealed, amongst other things no doubt, that there is an appropriate time during the day, which is related to the time you woke up, to take 'The Ultimate Nap'. This is a perfectly balanced state in which REM and slow-wave sleep are equally proportioned. There's a nifty little Flash animation on her website that you can use to work out when this will be in your particular case. This assumes, of course, that you have had an unbroken night's sleep and Dr Mednick does not explain on her website what to do if this is not the case. Should one take a nap according to the first time you woke up or the latest? Or a nap for each waking up? I guess we'll have to buy the book to find out.

Last Words on The Titanic

Ho Hum

(from this isn't happiness)

River Cafe

El Presidente and myself were treated to lunch a few days ago at The River Cafe. So called, presumably, because it is on the banks of the River Thames just downriver from Hammersmith Bridge.

It's a bit posh, although not pretentious, and specialises in Italian food. HIghly recommended.  It's not cheap but the food is of excellent quality. Set menu of four courses was £39 and the aperitif of the day was £9, which is more than I would usually spend on an entire bottle of wine...

We did take some photos of the grub, but El Presidente's phone camera has gone on the blink and lost them so you'll just have to use your imagination. Tre Crostini di Tuscano, Tortellini di Ricotta e Pinoli, Mozarella di Buffali, Risotto, Branzin ai ferro, Maiali al Latte, Panacotta with grappa and raspberries, and Affogato, amongst other things, were consumed. Spiffing!

Tower of Power

Another works outing t'other day to KoKo in Camden Town for the last concert of their European Tour by Tower of Power, the world's hippest, funkiest, most groovymost soul band in existence. These chaps have been around for ages and are getting older and fatter as time goes by but they sho' kin kimbo nonetheless. Zillions of funkateers have passed through the ranks of the band which is centred on Emilio Castillio (tenor sax) and Steve Kupka a.k.a. The Funky Doctor (baritone sax). Here's a video of the current lineup, playing recently at the North Sea Jazz Festival. This song 'What Is Hip' is pretty much their signature tune and facilitates the part of the show where the dudes get the audience to join in. There are other key points - search YouTube for 'Diggin on James Brown', for example. Any road up, a jolly spiffing evening at a classy venue. Support was by a band called The PB Underground who were reasonably funky too, but just a tad too busy and loud.

Tory Half-Wits (cont'd.)

Sorry guys, but three half-wits don't make a whole one either.

Francis Maude, believe it or not, is a qualified lawyer and QC! Cripes, they let anyone in these days! Mind you he only spent six years practising as a lawyer before going into politics full-time, following in his Dad's footsteps, so perhaps we're twigging something there. Either he wasn't much good as a lawyer or he was only doing it to acquire some independent credibility as a prospective Tory candidate.

Any road up, in an effort to divert attention from the stink created by Mr Cruddas, Cameron (or one of his teen-aged advisers) thought he would dive in and stir up some trouble around the current dispute between the tanker drivers and their various employers about minimum pay and conditions. He figured that as it is the Unite trade union that is involved and they support the Labour Party, he was on to a winner and could cause massive embarrassment to Ed Milliband. But in his typically half-baked way he failed to figure out that Unite was nowhere near calling a strike - they had merely balloted their members on whether or not to take industrial action, as required by law. And even if a strike were to be called there has to be seven days notice. Talks got going today through ACAS.

For one reason or another, Francis Maude was nominated as the chump to take forward the plan for alarm and despondency. Not the Secretary of State for Energy, or the Secretary of State for Transport. Not even the Business Secretary. But Maude, the Cabinet Secretary. Funny that.

Well, as we've seen the whole thing was entirely bogus - there has been no strike but nonetheless thousands of dimwits have been panicked into queueing up for petrol and to keep their tanks topped up, thereby causing the fuel shortage they were all afraid of. Maude took it the extra mile with his stupid advice about keeping a jerry can in the garage. Duh! Even the Tory-friendly media have figured it out and suggested that the whole episode was manufactured as a distraction.

What's really depressing about it is that so many people allowed themselves to be conned into panic buying fuel. Perhaps this explains how it is that half-wits like Maude and Cameron mange to get elected to office in the first place.

Tory Half-Wits

Unfortunately for David Cameron and the Conservative Party, two half-wits don't make a whole one.

These two self-important dunderheads, Sarah Southern and Peter Cruddas, are the twonks who have landed Lord Snooty and his pals in the soup. And the fish course, entree, dessert and cheese board.

Sarah Southern is a jumped-up wannabe who, she claims, somehow or other persuaded Cameron to take her on as an 'adviser' or 'aide'. Actually, she's just done several odd jobs around Conservative Central Office such as 'event manager', and as 'operations manager' for the No to Av campaign. She has also done time as the national organiser for the Young Conservatives. She set herself up as a lobby consultant last June and boasting of her links to Cameron, introduced the Sunday Times journalists to another of Lord Snooty's pals, Peter Cruddas.

Cruddas is the twerp who offered to get the journalists invited to dinner at No 10 in return for a 'donation' of £250,000, and hence (allegedly) provide some bottom-up input into government policy. Cruddas is a different kind of jumped-up wannabe;  he has actually got loadsamoney that he made himself, despite his humble origins in a Hackney council estate. So he deserves some credit for dragging himself up materially at least, notwithstanding that he made his money through financial transactions in the foreign exchange money markets (he makes gambles on the ups and downs of the currency markets). And fair dos, he is quite a philanthropist, having given away millions to charities to help disadvantaged youths like what he was.

It is no surprise therefore to find that he is close to David Cameron who has been staunch in protecting the interests of the financial sector, in particular by refusing to even contemplate a 'Robin Hood Tax' which would cost the likes of Cruddas a fair whack of moolah. Nor is it much of a surprise to learn that Cruddas was 'non-dom' for tax purposes prior to making massive donations to the Conservative Party in the run up to the 2010 General Election. However, even if he is now liable to pay UK taxes, he can now look forward to paying 5% less, thanks to the recent budget changes. So he knows a thing or two about influencing Conservative Party policy.

Postcard from Todd

A further little reminder that he exists:

‘Radicalised agnostics’ threatening to derail Middle East war process

"But yet I pray thee be not wroth for game; 

A man may say full sooth in game and play."

- Geoffrey Chaucer, The Cook's Tale, 1390:

From Newsbiscuit

The irresponsible actions of a group of radical agnostics are threatening to jeopardise the glorious battle that awaits the holy lands, warned Israel and Iran today.

‘These people are dangerously sensible and naively human in their outlook,’ said Benjamin Netanyahu and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in a joint statement. ‘We have a clear roadmap for war in the region, but the soft-line approach to international politics of these fundamentalist equivocators could prevent millions of martyrs from fulfilling their destiny. The Middle East is like a powder keg that could explode any minute – the last thing we need is some crazed pacifists standing around with fire extinguishers.’

Radical agnostics have hit back at the attack, but insist they don’t want to offend anyone. ‘We’d just prefer it if religious leaders didn’t blow the world to oblivion,’ stated Daniel Olszewski, a spokesman for the group known as The Silent Unsure. ‘We may be in the minority, but we just think that mass human extinction through warfare should be avoided. Agnostics get a lot of stick from both believers and atheists for sitting on the fence, but the one thing we’re sure about is that we’re not quite ready yet to find out if there is an afterlife.’

B L and extra T

Records Have Sleeves For A Reason

Steve! I've told you before! Put the records back in their sleeves! Look! See! You're standing on one now! Flippin' 'eck! How many times? Just think of the dust from the carpet. Pick 'em up!

Who's That Bloke Up There With Jeff?

For one reason or another the American Public Broadcasting Service (PBS) puts concerts on at The White House. The other day they did one which focused on The Blues and featured B B King, Derek Trucks, Jeff Beck and many more. Jeff very kindly played some guitar for some old fart who was trying his best to emulate Howlin' Wolf, after t'ole fart had approximated a cover of 'I Can't Turn You Loose'.

(Whizz forward to 4 minutes to get to Jeff Beck.)

During the subsequent finale when all the blues chappies were jammin' their way out, President Obama was persuaded to sing a verse of 'Sweet Home Chicago'; not bad, considering.

The Bath Sausage Shop

Director of Sunshine and Social Secretary, FabMary, has recently returned from a fact-finding tour of the Bath Sausage Shop. We see here a picture of the proprietor, a Mr Joe Cole, displaying some of his products. (As far as we know, Mr Cole is not related to the erstwhile England winger of the same name). FabMary brought us two samples of sausages to try: the 'Bath Sausage' and the 'Mongolian Fire-Pot'.

The 'Bath Sausage' is quite pleasant and although its green tinge might at first appear suspicious this is in fact due to spinach being one of the ingredients along with mustard and smoked ham. Probably a sausage for consumption with the now somewhat outmoded meal formerly known as 'high tea', although it is versatile enough to serve at breakfast.

The 'Mongolian Fire-Pot' is however a different kettle of fish and should be approached with caution. It would be too powerful for breakfast, and might not work that well with mashed potato unless one were to devise a suitable gravy as a medium. Perhaps best served as part of a casserole, or with cous-cous and yogurt, this sausage will leave your lips a-tingling.

Whilst in the borough of Bath, FabMary took the opportunity to visit some places of interest such as the Roman Baths and various Jane Austen related locales. She reports imbibing a fabulous afternoon tea of sandwiches and cake, and bathing outdoors in some sulphurous waters on a rooftop. See some pictures over here.

Harry Redknapp

Harry Redknapp's job application. 

(Thanks to obeeone)

Lavenham

The Senior Management Team (SMT) of Xorg Inter-Galactic recently enjoyed a brief sojourn in the ancient Suffolk town of Lavenham. We stayed at the splendid Swan hotel, making use of a discount voucher via Travelzoo which meant we got two nights for the price of one. The deal included a bottle of champagne each evening but, whilst this was enjoyable, it did tend to make us a tad bloated prior to dinner -  with the result that we were more than a tad bloated after dinner.

The Swan dates from 1425 and comprises three buildings, joined up over the centuries. As a result it is all exposed timber beams, uneven squeaky floors, low doorways and ancient brickwork. Not a straight line either vertical or horizontal in sight. Open log fires in the public areas so the gentle smell of woodsmoke lingers. The restaurant area is quite marvellous as it is formed from a former wool-trading hall, complete with minstrel's gallery. Best of all, it is carpeted, there is no piped muzak, and the kitchen is separate - so it is quiet. The service was excellent; the staff were a mixture of locals and eastern Europeans and were very keen.

The food was spiffing. Fresh grilled sardines on toast; belly pork with crackling and dauphinoise spuds; duck leg; liver and bacon with horseradish mash; and many more. The breakfast was served to you freshly cooked rather than from a buffet, monitored by a very competent lady maitre d' from Ipswich.

Only one minor quibble; the housekeeper forgot to replenish the bathroom requisites (shampoo etc) but otherwise five stars and recommended - although I would flinch at paying the full price which is clearly aimed at American tourists and a better class of person.

...aaagh.

When I said don't touch the record's surface with your fingers, that's not what I meant!

George's Hidden Solo

Dhani Harrison, George Martin, and Giles Martin fiddling about with the master tapes for 'Here Comes the Sun' and discovering, lost in the mix, a bit of a solo by Mr Harrison Snr.

Internet Security

We know that President Assad of Syria is a corrupt self-deluding puppet of the military but it has now become apparent that he is also a bit stupid. As reported by the Israeli organ Haaretz, those splendid chaps at Anonymous hacked in to the server used by Assad and Company and were able to get into 78 e-mail inboxes including that of Mr President himself. That's embarrassing enough in itself but it turns out that Assad uses the password '12345'. Wha? That's almost as dumb as using 'password' as your password!

The e-mails leaked so far reveal how Assad prepared for his TV interview with Barbara Walters, and nothing sensitive. I assume the evil bastards who actually run things in Syria have a better grasp of security or use a separate, discrete system - or maybe they don't care?

Birley Shassey: Mistah Gole Fingahhhr

It doesn't get any bettahhhr than this.

The Fez

[via thisisnthappiness]

Goodwin's Knighthood

In an attempt to appease us plebs with a scapegoat whilst not actually doing anything about the systemic problems in the financial sector, David Cameron has engineered the removal of Fred Goodwin's knighthood. As pious chancellor George Osborne explained, Goodwin "came to symbolise everything that went wrong in the British economy over the last decade".
Well, duh! That is just about as irrelevant as giving it to him in the first place! Goodwin still keeps his £342.5K per year pension plus all the ill-gotten loot he acquired whilst employed at the Royal Bank of Scotland. And in any case, so what? Goodwin's reputation could hardly sink any lower, so losing his Knighthood is not much of a penalty for costing the UK £45 billion in bailing out RBS. And meanwhile, other miscreants, such as MPs who fiddled their expenses*, keep their 'honours' and the financial sector is free to go on with its credit default swaps, short-selling, collateralised debt obligations, and many more.

It just goes to show how discredited the financial sector, politicians and the honours system are.

* For example:

Sir Stuart Bell claimed £750 a month for food and designated his second home as a flat in London and claimed £1,400 a month rent.
Sir Paul Beresford who, as well as being an MP, worked up to three days a week as a dentist and designated his west London property, which included his surgery, as his second home on his parliamentary expenses.
Sir Michael Lord claimed more than £8000 over five years for his garden.
Sir Peter Tapsell claimed rent for second home in London, which rose from £4,821 a quarter in 2006 to £5,417 a quarter in 2008. Total claims over four years of £87,729.
Sir Peter Viggers included with his expense claims the £1,645 cost of a floating duck house in the garden pond at his Hampshire home.
Sir Nicholas Winterton who, with his wife Ann, claimed more than £80,000 for a London flat owned by a trust controlled by their children.

Not to mention Conrad Black, Jeffrey Archer, Sir Mark Thatcher and his mum the Barmy Baronness! I put it to you M'Lud that these people "have come to symbolise everything that went wrong with" most things in public life.

[above details via The Guardian]

The Artist

An evening outing a couple of days ago for members of the Xorg collective, to the cinema to see 'The Artist', the much-vaunted silent movie (in black and white) that threatens to scoop all the Oscars this year.

I don't know whether or not The Artist is better than all the other nominees in all respects, but it should definitely win an award or two and it is most definitely worth paying money to see.

The story line is simple and straightforward, concerning a silent movie actor's struggle to adapt to the advent of talking pictures combined with the basic plot of 'A Star is Born', where an established star is outshone by his protege. It is a silent movie in that there is no spoken dialogue, but there is a well written musical score and some other sounds. Don't worry about not being able to follow what's going on though as there are occasional screens of dialogue at key points and often you can lip read what's being said.

The strength of the movie lies in how well it is made and the performances of the two leads. And a dog that does tricks. (Maybe they'll invent a special Oscar for the dog.) The point being that they act in the film as silent movie actors used to do, with exaggerated gestures and expressions thus giving a very authentic feel to the movie. But there is also wit and gentle parody of the genre, not least in the leading male character's matinee idol looks and grooming, and his broad Gene Kelly smile. Any road up, five stars!

Note: Minus five stars for Cineworld, however. Prior to the movie, we were bombarded with half an hour of advertisements and trailers at deafening volume, edited together by someone with the attention span of a teenage gnat. Moreover, we could hear the bangs and crashes from the screen next door where they were presumably watching a film about speeding 42-ton trucks being blown up by 15 megaton bombs interspersed with random machine gun fire.

RBS: Hester's Bonus

Any road up so though but. This bloke Stephen Hester has been awarded a bonus of £963K of shares in the Royal Bank of Scotland (RBS) on top of his £1.2 million salary.  So this bonus is only worth something to him if and when he sells the shares. Should he ever claim welfare benefits, they will be counted as an asset nonetheless so his claim would not succeed, £16,000 being the upper limit for means-tested benefits (there's a sliding scale of deductions for savings between £6,000 and £16,000). 

What is not clear, however, is what Hester has done to earn a bonus whether in cash or shares. He's closed some branches; he's selling some to Santander; he's cut staff numbers and reorganised things here and there. But that's just part of his normal everyday job anyway. Surely a bonus should be related to having done something extra, above and beyond what you're being paid £1.2 million in salary to do in any case? *

I suppose now that he has the shares he has an incentive to increase their value or at least maintain it rather than allow the price to fall. So, in a sense, he has an incentive not to screw up - but he till gets his £1.2 million and he never had the £963K in cash anyway so it wouldn't be much of a loss when all's said and done. Hester still has his house in Holland Park, London; his 350 acre estate in Oxfordshire; and a chalet in Verbier, Switzerland so what's £963K?
Meanwhile, of course, we are told that if bankers don't get a bonus they will go elsewhere and deploy their inestimable talents to someone else's benefit. Fair enough, goodbye and good luck! There are 2.8 million unemployed in the UK - I wouldn't mind betting that at least one of them will have some idea how to close branches, reduce staff numbers and sell off assets and who will do the job for half what Heston is getting.

* Since Hester has been in charge, RBS has lost £3.6 billion in 2009 and £1.13 billion in 2010. Meanwhile his total 'remuneration package' has been £35.54m since joining the bank in 2008. That year, when the then Labour government bailed out RBS, Mr Hester was awarded £4.99m in restricted shares, forgoing pay and bonuses. In 2009, his package was worth £6.9m. In 2010, his total package rose to £8.16m. Last year, the total was £8.08m, including a long-term incentive plan (LTIP) worth £4.8m, bonus £1.66m and salary and pension contributions. For 2012, the total figure is £7.38m – including LTIP worth £4.8m, his bonus of £963,000 and £420,000 pension contributions and £1.2m salary. No doubt he'll get a Knighthood as well at some point.
Addendum: Hester has been persuaded by the malodour surrounding this episode to waive his £963K shares bonus. It seems this is more to do with the distraction it is causing for him and his pals than to an acceptance that he hasn't actually done anything very much to deserve the bonus. He will still receive the rest of his 'remuneration package' for the year, £6.42 million.

Margaret Thatcher

I Saw The Light

Another reminder of the existence of Todd Rundgren, here performing with his pal Daryl Hall. Looks like they might be in Hawaii...

Mick Jagger Walks Out

The NME reports that Mick Jagger has withdrawn from a tea party to which he was invited by David Cameron in Davos, Switzerland. Sir Jagger has belatedly realised that Cameron was using him to give himself some 'hip' credibility on the pretext that Jagger would be helping to promote Great Britain. Ole Jumpin' Jack Flash says he has always maintained an apolitical stance publicly and steered well clear of party politics which is true enough but you'd have thought he would have smelled a rat beforehand on receiving an invitation to a tea party from the likes of Cameron. I can't imagine anyone in their right mind wanting to be tainted by such association. But Sir Flash has always been a great one for mixing with those in high places and no doubt his ego felt good to be asked to be part of the gathering of the overblown plutocrats and self-appointed global business elite at the World Economic Forum where this shindig is taking place. Coincidentally, The Stones will be celbrating their 50th Anniversary this year.

Our picture shows Keith Richards' reaction to the news.

The Banker, the Daily Mail reader, and the Benefit Recipient

A correspondent in the Letters Page of today's Independent quotes the following joke to sum up current Government policy:

An investment banker, a Daily Mail reader and a benefit recipient are sitting round a plate with 12 biscuits on it. The banker takes 11 biscuits, then turns to the Daily Mail reader and says: “Watch out – that scrounger is after your biscuit.”

You could replace the words 'Daily Mail reader' with the name David Cameron or any of his jumped-up Tory half-wit colleagues, all of whom seem to be similarly deliberately ignorant and unable or unwilling to see where the problem actually lies. As the letter writer points out, they should be asking where the eleven biscuits went.

The Beach Boys Soulful Old Man Sunshine

I discovered this rare Beach Boys song via The Guardian's blog about 'old music'. It was recorded in 1969 but didn't surface until 1998 as an album track on the soundtrack for the 'Endless Harmony' documentary. You can tell why it wasn't released at the time as it shows all the signs of the backing track having been recorded by session musicians in a different place and different time from when the vocals were recorded. Plus there are a couple of fluffs, and the mix ain't right. If only they'd gone back to it and recorded a polished up version! Lead vocals are by Carl Wilson and show why it might be better for the remaining Beach Boys not to be planning a 50th Anniversary album and tour. It won't sound anywhere near as good or vibrant.

Return of the Son of Entanglification Runs Amok

Maxwell's Demons have been up to their old tricks again. I'm sure there were only two things plugged in last night.

Grimshaw v. Earth

Yer man Atkinson Grimshaw is good but sometimes the Earth does its thing and some lucky chap with a camera is there to record it. Picture taken in Yosemite in the Autumn via the Los Angeles Times, where there's zillions more snaps of nature's wondrousness. If it weren't for all those flipping Americans it would be perfect.

Let's hope they don't discover oil.

Tom Braggins Band: Live at the Spice of Life

Last Saturday evening saw The Tom Braggins Band topping the bill at The Spice of Life pub/music venue in Soho, featuring our Phil on the drums and making it sound right. Mr Braggins on guitar and vocal and the inestimable Chris Eldred on keyboards.  Here's a picture of them setting up (taken by Phil hence he's not in the photo). A full house and they went down a storm!

The album Simple Things (produced, engineered and made possible by Phil) is available at iTunes for  £6.99. A solo acoustic album by Mr Braggins is in the pipeline. Also on Spotify, Facebook, MySpace, and so forth.

Mr Eldred is also a member of The National Youth Jazz Orchestra and is available for weddings, bar mitzvahs etc. He too can be found on MySpace.

Politics: New Words

The Coalition Government has been 'in power' for 21 months now and in that time we have learned some new words to describe what they are up to. Here's half a dozen:

• Mispledge - Anything Nick Clegg, Deputy Prime Minister, might have said prior to a minute ago.
• Undeforestationageness - The somewhat embarrassing state in which Caroline Spelman, Secretary of State for the Environment, Food and Rural Affairs, found herself having belatedly realised what a chump she was to propose selling off publicly owned forests and woodlands without first checking whether anyone else thought it was a good idea.
• Futtock - The shape of the imprint left in the sofa after Eric Pickles, Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government, has been sitting on it.
• Gove - A 'Big Idea' that some pranny or other (usually Michael Gove), mysteriously elevated beyond his level of competence, comes up with and to which everyone responds with disbelief, speechlessness and a frown before then setting out in some detail why it is a load of old cobblers and inviting the proposer to 'Shut up you twit'.
• Vacuosity - A statement of policy, spouted forth from David Cameron, in which he says that something or other is a problem and he is going to do something about it but he doesn't say what exactly that might be, nor does anything subsequently materialise.
• Dysastatistificated - The misleading use and manipulation of statistics in order to substantiate a prejudged position. Particularly popular with immigration Ministers, employment Ministers and other bigots.

Further contributions welcome.

Credit Default Swaps

The Greek 'Government' is currently negotiating with its creditors in the financial sector for a writ-off of part of its debts. The Eurozone (i.e. Germany and France) suggested this should be 50% but the creditors are trying to reduce this and the Greeks are trying to increase it, hence the delay. But agreement has to be reached before the cash bailout from the Eurozone can be released. So there's a bit of brinkmanship going on. If Greece doesn't get the cash bailout, then Greece will default on its loans and the creditors lose, but the creditors don't want to give up more than they have to. The deadline is the end of next week sometime. The idea is that Greece gives its creditors new bonds which are worth less than the existing ones, and the bailout money buys them back.

But an ironic twist in this little fandango is that much of the Greek debt has been bought up by so-called hedge funds at a discount and the hedge funds have taken out Credit Default Swaps (CDS) to cover themselves in case Greece does default. What the hedge funds are doing is insuring themselves against a loss, although a CDS isn't exactly insurance. The buyer has to pay for them (single premium or a series of payments) but the seller carries out no actuarial risk calculation and the payout is not related to actual losses but is for the amount initially negotiated. So if you are a hedge fund with a CDS against a debt owed by Greece you get your money back - and perhaps more - whatever happens. So they are negotiating to see how much more than the original debt they can screw out of the situation. 

Now comes the weird bit. What the seller of a CDS does is hedge his bets by buying a CDS (or several) against his prospective loss, from someone else. And that person does likewise so that we end up with a chain of CDS arrangements that payout if Greece defaults or pays back less than it owes. Moreover, anyone else can buy a CDS against the Greece debt even if they are not a creditor (i.e. they don't actually own the debt). I fail to see how this can be a good thing. Everybody is betting against themselves and each other until eventually one financial institution or another gets lumbered with the bill - and I wouldn't mind betting that it will be the European Central Bank or IMF which are ultimately funded by.... you and me. And that's (amongst other things) how the credit crunch happened. And Greece gets off scot free.

It's all a bit like something from Alice's Adventures in Wonderland. As the Duchess said to Alice:

“... never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise." The financial sector is indeed 'being what it seems'.

But never mind. David Cameron assures us that he and his chums in the Conservative Party understand all this and so he's best placed to fix it.

Army Surplus

The public expenditure cuts mean that the armed forces are having to take their share of redundancies, and make the money stretch further. One result of this is that the Ministry of Defence has a lot of surplus kit - boots, trousers, tunics, belts and even a Lightning jet (although without its engines).

You can see what's on offer at the Disposal Services Authority website and there's a link to their main contractor The-Outdoor.

A fold-away shovel for £15; a desert ops waistcoat with zillions of pouches for grenades, pistols etc for £45 (pictured); and a rigid raiding craft (a boat) for £3,240; and many more.

Sadly for the would-be revolutionary, nut job or terrorist, no guns and ammo or weapons of mass destruction are included.