Eric Clapton's Guitars Replicated

As part of Mr Clapton's continuing efforts to raise funds for his Crossroads Treatment Centre in Antigua, Mr Clapton has teamed up with Fender, Gibson and Martin guitars to replicate some of his guitars These are available to purchase through Guitar Centre from 21 March. They're not cheap though: the Stratocaster and the Les Paul are $14,999 each...

The Crossroads Festival is at Madison Square Gardens, on 12/13 April.

Here's a video of Himself trying out and talking about the Gibson Les Paul replica.

Duct Tape or WD40?

How do you fix a broken duct?

Well, duh! With duct tape!

Unlocking Your Smartphone in America

We are well aware of some of the daft laws in various parts of the USA. For example, in Alabama you may not chain your alligator to a fire hydrant or carry an ice cream cone in your back pocket. In California you will be fined $500 if you detonate a nuclear device within city limits, and in Baldwin Park you may not ride a bicycle in a swimming pool. And in 1897, Indiana attempted to pass legislation that determined the value of Pi as 4 rather than 3.142 (etc). Fortunately for the Wheelwrights (and Allied Trades) of Indiana a mathematician happened by in time to alert the Senate to the idiocy of the proposal. See bored.com for further edification on the sheer bonkersness of American legislators.

(Disclaimer: I have not checked the veracity or otherwise of the bored.com list, so some may be apocryphal or even made up, but it's America so...)

But the Congress men and women in Washington DC surpassed themselves with the Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA) of 1998 which aims to to outlaw technologies that bypass copyright protections. Because of the rather loose, not to say ham-fisted, way this legislation was drafted it is now illegal throughout America to unlock your smartphone. So if you acquire your smartphone via one service provider you may not, at the end of your contract, unlock the phone so that you can use another service provider. This is because the software which locks your phone is copyrighted and you may not tamper with it. If you do, you're liable to a $500,000 fine and up to five years in clink. See The Atlantic and Techweek for more info. To make matters worse, the power to make this Regulation is vested in someone called The Librarian of Congress, an appointee. So Americans are lumbered with a Regulation that nobody voted for, made by someone who is not subject to election. Only the Americans, the self-proclaimed Champions of Democracy, could do something so undemocratic. On the other hand, the legislation is typically American in that the principal beneficiaries are big corporations such as AT&T, Verizon and T-Mobile. I suspect they and their ilk might have been 'donating to congress election campaigns'.

It is equally risible that because of the DMCA legislation, every three years groups like the American Foundation for the Blind have to lobby Congress to protect an exception for the blind allowing for books to be read aloud.

Enough Food

Gove Gives Go-ahead for Fagin Free School

Following a successful application to the Department of Education, the Fagin Free School, will open in the London Borough of Walthamstow next September.

The school will be run by parents and guardians who have experienced tough benefit cuts, criminal convictions or generational education deprivation. They will be joined by two hard pressed charities, Barnardos and The Cat (burglars) Protection League.

Head teacher and former nonce, Alan Kincade, said ‘We will be offering children a broad based and balanced curriculum to reflect current times and the special needs of our community. Modules will include ‘Living without Benefits’ where pick-pocketing techniques and regular excursions into the West End will give boys and girls appropriate work experience. ‘Getting into Business’ will allow pupils to work towards Level 1 qualifications, with setting up prostitution networks and pimping-for-profit being key elements of the course.’

(From Newsbiscuit)

The Forgotten Allman Brother

Apocalypse Whenever...

Crude but Effective

The London Blitz

Fascinating.

The Bomb Sight project maps the London WW2 bomb census between 7 October 1940 and 6 June 1941 to show where the bombs fell on London whilst Hitler's Blitzkrieg was at its peak. The project has scanned original 1940s bomb census maps, geo-referenced the maps and digitally captured the geographical locations of all the falling bombs recorded on the original map.

The snapshot overview pictured here shows how comprehensive the Blitz was. I wonder if anyone has embarked on a similar project for Dresden and Hamburg?

Corporation Tax

A few years ago while I was sorting out my late father's estate, a solicitor said half-jokingly that Inheritance Tax is entirely voluntary. This is true: there are many ways a chap can prevent his estate having to forego 40% above £325,000. Chief amongst these is to spend your money before you die, or to give it away. Yer average tax consultant can find lots of other legal ways to do it, of course, just as David Cameron's father's advisers did. In a way, I can sympathise with avoiding Inheritance Tax because, after all, in most cases the money is mainly money which was taxed when it was earned (although not apparently in Cameron's case).

But it seems that Corporation Tax too has now become 'voluntary'. Starbucks have magnanimously announced that they will pay £20 million Corporation Tax over the next two years despite the various dodges which permit them legally not to do so. Well, thanks a bunch! No doubt the fat cats at Starbucks have reached the view that they can do without the negative publicity of the current campaign to boycott tax-dodging corporations.

The boycott campaign, however, won't solve the problem in the long-term. Corporations might do the decent thing for a while, but once the heat dies down they'll go back to their old ways. In any case, a boycott against the likes of Amazon and Google just isn't going to work.The tax laws need to be changed and the tax-dodgers should be pursued with the same vigour that the authorities employ to hound benefit claimants, issue parking tickets and collect council tax etc. And there should be no 'settlements' such as the one HMRC agreed with Vodafone. On the Government's own figures there is a tax gap of some £32 billion between what is expected and what the Treasury actually receives. The so-called structural deficit could be rectified remarkably quickly!

Star Trek

Benedict Cumberbatch embarks on the next phase of his plan for world domination.

Movember

Congratulations to all those who grew a sponsored moustache during November to raise funds for cancer research. 

Members of the B Company, 3rd Battalion of the Brigade of Moustachioed Turks, however, have reacted sceptically to the news that gentlemen in the western world consider that not shaving one's upper lip area for a month constitutes a moustache. "A moustache is a philosophy, a discipline, an emblem of spirituality and devotion to duty," said Brigadier Mustapha Tash, "and not a mere tonsorial whim to be sniffed at."

Sandwichage

Devised, produced and directed by FabMary; bacon, egg, mushroom, tomato, and HP sauce in a bun.
Scrumdiddlyumptious.

David Cameron: Corrupt or Does He think We are All Stupid?

No surprise there, then.

Lord Leveson spends several million quid on an inquiry, produces a report with clear recommendations and David Cameron rejects it. Could this be because he has always been in the pocket of Rupert Murdoch and was always going to reject statutory oversight of the muck-raking press, or does he think we're all stupid? It is quite obvious that the press is not fit to regulate itself, and neither are they all that concerned with accuracy, justice or consistency. Individual journalists might be, but their editors/publishers are not. The inquiry has shown that corruption and prejudice is rife; in any other context there would be statutory controls. But not, apparently, when there is the possibility that the perpetrator might be able to help a politician's chances of getting elected.

Bah.

Trousers

I just spent a couple of hours reading the weekend newspaper - it being Saturday it comes in several supplements of varying worthwhileness. But something that struck me is the plethora of advertisements for trousers.The chaps at 'Chums' seem to be going for it in a big way:

Super Soft Fleece-lined Thermal Leisure Trousers from 'Chums'.

What Every Golfer Wants For Christmas - Plus Two trousers from 'Spencers'.

Ladies Fleece Lined Thermals from 'Chums'.

Moleskin Trousers from 'Peter Christian'.

Warm Moleskin Trousers from 'Chums'.

What makes Saturday the day for advertising trousers, I wonder?

Jack DeJohnette

A works outing last Friday to see The Jack DeJohnette Group playing at the Queen Elizabeth Hall as part of the London Jazz Festival.

Mr DeJohnette is now age 70 and has been a central figure in jazz since the mid-sixties having played with Charles Lloyd, Miles Davis, Keith Jarrett, Pat Metheny and many more, as well as fronting his own bands. He also plays the piano and is an accomplished composer. For this concert he had a five-piece band comprising himself (drums), Don Byron (saxophone, clarinet), Marvin Sewell (electric guitar), George Colligan (keyboards & piano), and Jerome Harris (bass). They played six of DeJohnette's compositions in a concert lasting two hours.

This was proper jazz played by accomplished musicians, combining different idioms from free jazz to straight twelve-bar swing. They got us off to a slightly alarming start by going for an arragement with no apparent key or time signature but, as with performances of Shakespeare, within a few minutes your brain adjusts to the language and it coalesces beautifully. Hotcha! An unusual element was Mr Sewell the guitarist's use of a Stratocaster and playing slide, which is not something I've seen before in a jazz combo. Mr Harris the bass player was pretty nifty but without feeling the need to be flash. Mr Colligan had too many keyboards, but he's pretty good and was best on the piano.

The concert was recorded by BBC Radio 3 and was broadcast last Monday 19 November. It is available via the BBC iPlayer gubbins. Sadly, they've edited it down to only three songs and one hour, and the mix could be better but I guess we'll let 'em off given the various constraints under which the jazz element at Radio 3 has to work.
Promotional video for Jack's latest album below:

Movember

Frank Zappa: Cosmik Debris

A couple of weeks ago, I mentioned that Dweezil Zappa has been working with those wonderful chaps at Gibson guitars on producing a Frank Zappa Signature Model of the SG.

Here's a video of Frankie playing the original.

The Mothers:

Ian Underwood, saxophone; Jean-Luc Ponty, violin; Bruce Fowler, trombone; Tom Fowler, bass; Ruth Underwood, percussion; Ralph Humphrey, drums; George Duke, keyboards.

[PS. The Zappa Family Trust have signed a new deal for the re-release of FZ's albums. If you haven't got 'em already, get 'em today! Either direct or, more reasonable priced, via iTunes, Amazon etc etc]

Hello It's Me, Tums Rundgren!

Another in our series of reminders of the existence of Todd Rundgren.

Why Obama Won the Election: Samuel L Jackson

Wakey Wakey!

There we are, peacefully slumbering just after sunrise, when our dreams are banished by the most awful flippin' racket outside.

"Uhrrr, wossat noise?"

"Dunno. Sounds like a broken moped without a silencer being driven over rocks without its tyres."

"What? Maybe it'll stop in a minute." 

The noise, however, continued. Eventually I looked outside. Some goon is pushing a clapped out rotovator around the ex-flowerbed in the traffic island opposite one's residence. [Insert oath here]. Then Mr Motorcycle man downstairs starts up his high pressure washer, followed by the piledriver on the bulding site up the road. [Insert further oath here]. This went on for some time - here's some edited highlights.

Wet, Wet, Wet

Today members of the Xorg collective staged a trip to the Troodos Mountains. It all started well as the three excited walkers ascended the Caledonian Falls in bright sunshine, but Mother Nature had other thoughts for their descent.

All it took was one spot of rain, and then in quick succession the rain drops gathered pace and the three young walkers became stuck in a rain/hail/thunder/lightning storm. But this was not your average storm; this one included ‘ice-pellet’ hail stones, and freezing cold rain.  There was so much rain; our once dry walkers became wet to their skin, their clothes providing no protection from the elements. Visibility was poor, the path became a river, and rocks splattered the path.

Shelter. Well there wasn’t a lot of that. Trees so sparse, their branches were poor umbrellas. Soon, our intrepid explorers, aged 28, 27 and 1, found a small cleft in the rock-face in which to find solace. However, this provided limited cover as another family was already there hiding from the elements.

Eventually, after an age of ‘ice-pellets’ and torrential rain, our soaking adventurers decided to make a dash for it and head to safety. This was easier said than done. Fortunately the path was heading in the right direction, but now the path was a river, flippers were needed not the canvas shoes worn by our naive protagonists.

The rain eased as they approached their car, but only the youngest member of the group had a change of clothes for the long journey home. So she, the 1 year old adventurer, sat happily, warm in her clean clothes as her parents sat in their pants on their journey towards warmth.

Michael Gove is Dangerous

There is an interesting article at the Guardian's blog for teachers, teacher network, in which the writer points out that in comparison with previous Secretaries of Stae for Education, Michael Gove is dangerous rather than merely inept.

"Gove is not like the other education ministers we have had in the past - inept, ill informed and interfering, but fundamentally well-meaning - he's a wrecker, he does not want to improve our education system, he wants to destroy it."

The writer is campaigning to get Education freed from political interference, and to restore a consensus which is driven by educational values. Gove's aim is ultimately to privatise education. Read it through and if you agree, there's a petition to sign etc.

Deep-Fried Crunchy Crabs

Lunch out to day for El Prez and myself, plus honoured guests, at the Atlantida restaurant in Paphos. Their unique selling point is that they have their own fishing boats that catch fish locally so you can be sure it's fresh - well, apart from the prawns, mussells and fish sticks and crab meat in breadcrumbs, that is. The fish meze is a tad expensive at €24 but we went for it anyway, sharing three servings between four of us. Plenty of grub to go round and the fish was jolly good, fresh as advertised. In amongst the offerings was something I'd not had before: deep fried little crabs. 

Mmmm, crunchy!

[The draft Keo was excellent too, served very cold.]

Whoopee! The Recession is Over!... errrm...

We all jumped for joy t'other day when figures for economic growth in the third quarter showed that the economy had grown by 1%, thus (technically) ending the UK's double-dip recession. Phew! Mr Osborne's plan is working! Well, cut off my legs and call me shorty and pardon me for doubting.

But hang on, what's this? Apparently 0.7% of the growth is sales of tickets for the Olympics - which won't be repeated so that will drop out of the figures for the next quarter, which leaves growth of 0.3%. Moreover, the sales of Olympics tickets merely goes to offset some of the £9 billion the Olympics cost us. So actually things are still looking a bit shaky. Back to the drawing board!

? for President...

I'm not sure whether this says more about McCain, Palin or Romney. Or whether it shows yet again how dumb so many Americans, and particularly Republicans, can be.

Frank Zappa Signature Model Gibson SG

Exciting news for Zappa nerds. Dweezil has been working with those splendid chaps at Gibson to produce a signature model of FZ's famous SG that Frank customised extensively. Dweezil is using the prototype on his next tour and we can expect the guitar to be commercially available sometime soon.

I doubt if it'll be cheap though and, no matter how hard you try, you still won't sound as good as FZ!

Horsemanning

Sounds odd doesn't it? It refers to the headless horseman character in the film Sleepy Hollow, but basically it is another one of these photo crazes similar to planking.

When planking, one lies flat, face down on the ground with their arms straight by their sides resembling a plank of wood. A cracking example of planking can be found here.

Back to horsemanning... this requires at least two people. One person hides their body and the other person hides their head, making it look like a person has been decapitated with their head on display elsewhere.

It sounded funny so here at Xorg HQ we decided to give it a go, roping in some help from long time ally Chamberlain Inc. Here's what we gots...

  

Tory Idiots # 3,432 : Iain Duncan Smith

There is nothing particularly unusual about a politician having inconsistent views or failing to think through a policy proposal. But Iain Duncan Smith has gone a step beyond by insisting that benefit claimants should limit their family to two children (he calls it 'cutting their cloth'). First, Mr Smith is a Roman Catholic and thus presumably accepts his Church's teachings that contraception is not permissible. Neither can he be expecting that families who accidentally fall pregnant for a third time should have an abortion. (Pope Paul VI, 1968, encyclical letter Humanae Vitae). Which just leaves sexual abstinence. Is that what he is actually proposing? Secondly, what of the family who already have more than two children before falling sick or becoming unemployed and claiming benefit, such as Mr Smith who has four children? Are they to abandon the surplus somehow? Perhaps to a Catholic orphanage, a solution popular with the authorities in the 18th and 19th centuries. Or perhaps Mr Smith hopes to persuade Mr Osborne to reverse the recent cuts of £1.86 billion (NSPCC estimate, 2011) made to local authority funding for children's services so that the surplus can all be taken into care. 

Good luck with that one, Mr Smith!

[Note: Mr Smith is not proposing as Herr Hitler did that we should cut the goolies off the poor, unemployed, disabled or unemployed. That would also amount to contraception.]

Petrol from Air: Fandabbydozy! Or not...

This sounds fantastic. Well, a bit too fantastic actually. Literally, a fantasy...but Nick Clegg is keen (!!).

The boffins at Air Fuel Synthesis claim to have come up with a technology that will manufacture petrol (or similar) from air. The chemistry involved is straightforward i.e. petrol is made up of hydrogen and carbon so one simply takes the carbon dioxide from the air, strips out the carbon and combines it with hydrogen taken from water (which eny fule no is made up of hydrogen and oxygen). Fair enough, I thought. But wouldn't this involve a massive input of energy into the process as one would effectively be trying to reverse entropy? As eny other fule also nose, this cannot be done, so the overall effect of the process would be a net energy loss i.e. the energy you get from burning the hydrocarbon you have created is less than the energy you have used to make it. As seekers of truth, we here at Xorg Inter-Galactic commissioned the expert advice of a leading panel of engineers on the viability or otherwise of this initiative:

"When you convert hydrocarbons to carbon dioxide you get energy out. To get it to go the other way you must put energy in due to the tiresome workings of entropy....The only way this can work is by using some form of low grade (ie cheap) energy such as waste heat, solar to drive it. This stuff is low potential ie low kW per m2 or m3, and so kit to process it must be big, and so risks being expensive. In addition, the CO2 in air is 300-400 ppm, so you have to process many tens of thousands of tonnes of air for a tonne on petrol.This story is bollocks because it has always been possible to make hydrocarbons from CO2 and H2 - the South Africans have been doing it for years to make petrol from coal to get round sanctions. It's only profitable if coal is a lot cheaper than oil, as again, you have put to a lot of energy in to push the process uphill against entropy.
I think these guys are after funding or something. Harumph!!!" - (Prof Rufus T Firefly, Warrington)

"My first take on their website was that it's an April Fools Joke ! I reckon these guys are extorting public money, which Whitehall splashes around on anything green, in order to keep themselves off the unemployment register.   Remember we are all paying for the subsidised electricity that people with PV cells on their roofs are getting from their “feed in tarrifs”.  It created a false market. That's what public funds do if they are wrongly directed. So my simple mind says this is tosh and nerdish politicians like Nick Clegg can’t see it." - (Prof Eustace McGargle, Oxford)

A chappie writing for Forbes magazine is similarly sceptical.

"There’s always someone out there claiming to have found the latest method of gaining free energy. But it does have to be said that most of these claims are nonsense: as with this being reported today, a method of producing petrol (gasoline) from just the air."

Oh, well. Back to the drawing board!

While the cat's away...

...the mice will eat fish finger sandwiches and pretend they're healthy.

Blow It Out Yer A***, Baron Bichard, KCB!

This odious looking gentleman, Michael Bichard, is a Member of the House of Lords, a former career local government officer and civil servant. He has come up with the brilliant wheeze that pensioners should be required to undertake some form of community support work or face losing some of their pension.

He has suggested that the government should use the pensions system to "incentivise" retired people.

"The current generation are very heavy contributors to the public purse, whereas previous generations have benefited from the public purse. We are now prepared to say to people who are not looking for work, if you don't look for work you don't get benefits, so if you are old and you are not contributing in some way or another maybe there is some penalty attached to that. Are we using all of the incentives at our disposal to encourage older people not just to be a negative burden on the state but actually be a positive part of society?"

Bichard says this is a new idea and he intends to look into it further. In other words, like many of the twerps in Parliament these days, he hasn't thought it through. Here's just a few clues to get you started, Baron Bonkers:

• Pensioners have earned their pensions by paying National Insurance and taxes over their working lives. 
• Pensions are in fact 'deferred earnings' and it is simply immoral to suggest that pensioners should have to 'earn' their pensions all over again.
• The current generation were supported when younger by today's pensioners.
• Pensioners already provide a large proportion of voluntary workers.
• Pensioners provide free childcare for grandchildren, and are often caring for their husband or wife
• (and many more).

[Note: Bichard was the Permanent Secretary at the Department for Education when tuition fees were introduced. 'Nuff said!]

El Presidente Walks

Wonders will never cease. I somehow or other persuaded El Presidente to go for a walk yesterday morning. Not just a stroll, ambling along, but a proper walk involving aerobic exercise. I am vastly impressed that she completed the task. The walk lasted for just over one hour and we covered about 4 kilometres. Photographic evidence herewith:

David Cameron: Oh! What a Lovely War!

In another illustration of what a vacuous twit he is, David Cameron who, by some curious fluke or another, is the Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, has announced that his government is to spend £50 million on commemorating the First World War. He plans various festivities to mark the commencement of hostilities and the major battles thereafter, with a shindig four years later to mark the Armistice. Along the way, the Government is to facilitate in some way trips for school children to the battle sites and memorials in France and Belgium.

What a plonker. Who in their right mind celebrates the start of a war? Cameron says that it will remind us all of what it means to be British...Well, Mr Cameron, one of the things that being British meant a hundred years ago was the mentality that thought it was a good thing to go to war to establish who had the right to determine everyone else's future and who would control which colonies. It was about militarism, imperialism and nationalism and the outcome, besides the millions of deaths, was bad for everyone (except the profiteers).  

Will Cameron be commemorating the Sykes-Picquot agreement? This was the outcome of a carve up between British and French 'diplomats' of what would happen in the Middle East after the war - i.e. they drew lines on a map and arbitrarily allocated bits of territory to those who had been on their side during the war, meanwhile betraying others who had been promised rewards - hence we have Iraq, Iran, Syria, Jordan and so forth.  And anyone who has done GCSE History will be aware that the Treaty of Versailles was a total disaster for Europe. And doesn't Cameron know that secondary schools have been organising battlefield trips for years?

Cameron would do well to borrow the DVD of Oh! What a Lovely War which might give him a better perspective on the conflict and how badly it was managed. He should also read some of Wilfred Owen's poetry - Owen was moved to write his poetry when he realised that he and millions of others had been conned by their Governments into fighting industrialised warfare on the spurious basis that they would be 'liberating Belgium'. But Cameron knows all this as he's got 12 'O' Levels and 3 'A' Levels, including history.

Meanwhile, where is he getting the £50 million from?

Staring into Space

I have just spent a couple of hours chilling on the veranda, sipping a dry martini, and watching the Universe. I doesn't seem to be doing a lot, to be honest. Mind you a lot of it is obscured by light pollution from first, the Moon reflecting the Sun and secondly, the artificial light being generated by the various goings on of the Earthlings on the ground below. I dare say if I were to wait a couple of hours till the Moon disappears below the horizon I might be able to spot a lot more but who knows if there is anything to see in any case? However, it is probably reasonable to assume that if it's night time where I am, then it's night time in 50% of the rest of the Universe too and, given that it is statistically likely that there is something out there, there's a good chance that there is some other wally sitting on his veranda elsewhere in the Universe staring into space at me, even if we can't actually see each other. In which case, Hi!

Tory Idiots #371: George Osborne

Virgin trains are to be commended for their discretion in attempting to calm the somewhat embarrassing episode in which the Chancellor of the Exchequer failed to buy the correct ticket for his journey from Wilmslow. It is reported that Osborne's flunky attempted to negotiate with the ticket inspector but, in any case, Osborne eventually did pay up the difference between standard and first class and he was thus spared the indignity of having to move into standard and brush shoulders with the plebs.

But the fact remains that Osborne knew when he got on the train that he only had a standard ticket but nevertheless sat in first class. If paying the difference was not an issue, why not buy a first class ticket to start with? The suspicion remains therefore that he intended to get away with not paying the difference and would have done so had it not been for the diligence of the ticket inspector.

Last Chance to See... Not at Those Prices, Matey!

The Rolling Stones have recently passed their 50th Anniversary as a rockin' teenage combo and are commemorating this with a tour of sorts, featuring two nights at the O2 Arena in London. The cheapest tickets are £106 (£95 plus booking fee); the most expensive is £406. In case any of you chumps out there are considering going along to this event I feel I should warn you that they are not as good as they used to be. More like a dodgy grandad combo, notwithstanding Sir Jagger's admirable physical fitness. He never was much of a singer and he hasn't improved. Keef was the business for a while but no longer - just look at his arthritic, gnarled fingers - and he can barely put a coherent sentence together. If Ron Wood can stay off the sauce he might stay in tune. Charlie seems a tad lifeless, even more so than twenty years ago. They can't possibly need the money, so maybe it's a sentimental delusion. In which case, why charge such high prices?

Mikella Psara: Αυτό, με επιτηδευμένο?

It is difficult to come up with a translation into the Greek from the Franglais. Moreover, despite the commonly held belief, the Greeks don't have a word as such for 'pretentious' as we understand it in its derogatory sense when combined with Le Francais - 'Pretentious, Moi?'

But this is the perfect description for an Art Exhibition visited by members of the Xorg Collective yesterday. The artist concerned is named Mikella Psara and she is apparently taken seriously in some parts. Here's what Dr Tonia Loizou (allegedly an Art Historian) says about her:

"Like a symphony moving in time and space, like a ritual different from previous ones, the paintings of Mikella Psara impress with their simplicity and their subject matter. Here, the materials (wax, safety pins, paper) and every combination thereof, guide the creation of the work with ease. With wax (multiform - multidimensional - timeless) and paper (recycled- tied to its history - fragile), shapes are created in which are embodied objects (safety pins like talismans - reminders of childhood. The wax dematerialises the shapes and, through its fragile relationships, conveys everything that we carry only deep inside ourselves. The works carry the viewer away on a timeless journey and, at the same time, they function as synchronies, a return to our perpetual course in which exquisite simplicity reveals fragile, transparent relations." (That's enough - Ed.)

First, I tend to agree with The Brother that if an artist can't be bothered to give a work a title then I can't be bothered to look at it, so I am automatically put of by a work entitled 'Untitled'. I'm willing to concede to it now and then but there's such a thing as pushing yer luck, Mrs! Every single piece in the exhibition is 'Untitled' - a room full of 'Untitled'. Yer 'avin a larf, or what? I doubt it, as there's no humour otherwise in a collection dabbling in different ways of mixing up wax, paper and safety pins, some representational, some not. The fact is, the artist had one idea (wax, paper, safety pin) and has flogged it to death, producing forty-odd items for which she hasn't had the wit or imagination to dream up titles. Maybe if she were to pick two or three of her best pieces in this wax, paper, safety pin medium and include them in a broader exhibition of her work, one might be able to take it seriously. Otherwise forget it!

Books

Now that I've completed my course of academic study (for now at any rate), I have been free to read stuff for fun, without taking notes and worrying about whether or not it'll come up in the assignments. Some of the stuff I've got through is:

John Le Carre - Call for the Dead

His first novel introducing George Smiley and 'the Circus', first published in 1961. I think I first read it thirty years ago but I'm not sure. Either way, it's pretty good and not quite as complicated as some of Le Carre's later Smiley stories. There's a nice tension created as Smiley realises his East German foe is one of his former colleagues when both were fighting the Nazis.

Andrew Motion - Silver

I would have thought that the former poet laureate was an unlikely candidate to write a sequel to Treasure Island but he hasn't done a bad job at all. He's tried to stick to R L Stevenson's style of adventure and complement Stevenson's writing, with outright scoundrels and other less than clear cut goodies and baddies, only letting himself down by introducing a 'love interest'. Enjoyable, if a bit slow to get going.

Monica Ali - Brick Lane

Well written in that the author gets you to identify early on with the central protagonist, a young Bangladeshi woman relocated to Tower Hamlets in an arranged marriage. Quite compelling reading which raises all the issues associated with the problems of immigration and cultural integration.

Michael Butterworth - The Man Who Broke the Bank at Monte Carlo

Black comedy, written in a pseudo-Wodehouse style. Amusing and quite ingenious premise in which gormless twit Eric Rowbotham has to escort the corpse of his late Uncle Luigi around Monte Carlo. Hilarity ensues as he is pursued by the Mafia and a lady lawyer from a Dogs' Home. Wot a larf! There has been a musical Lucky Stiff based on the book, and there is a forthcoming film.

Soulive at Ronnie Scott's

Another works outing to Ronnie Scott's estimable jazz club last Friday to see the world's greatest groovingest jazz-funk-rock-soul trio ever,  Soulive.

Absolutely fantastic! One of the best gigs I've ever been to; the lads done tremendous etc. They generate enormous energy and have such chemistry between them - the place was buzzing. If you are not familiar with their stuff there's loads on YouTube and on their record label website, Royal Family Records. Of course, as a founder member of The Bass Players' Union (now lapsed) I don't generally approve of this but their keyboard player, Neal Evans, who plays bass on the keys is rather good. I suspect half of his brain (at least) is a bass player. Alan Evans on drums is probably the coolest dude on the planet, and Eric Krasno on guitar can do no wrong.

Here's a video of Soulive, made for their Nipponese fans, which gives you a pretty good idea of what they are about. Note also that these guys are involved in a number of side projects - it's all there on the website.

(The usual negative comments about the cramped conditions and rubbish toilets at Ronnie's apply).

Airport Security vol.213

Our recent sojourn through airport security provided a new angle on the vagaries of the system.

El Presidente's hand luggage was rejected by the scanner so we were invited to 'step this way' and stand by whilst a functionary examined the case. The security chappie was huge - must have weighed at least 160 kg (mostly fatty tissue), about 1.9 m tall, shaved head and covered in tattoos. He set about removing the contents of El Presidente's bag somewhat gingerly and probing it with his explosives detector doodad and eventually declared it safe. I asked what might have triggered the scanner rejecting the case and he replied, "The books -  large amount of organic matter." Hmmm, it had not ocurred to me before that books might be classified as 'organic matter' but any road up, no harm done. (Older readers will be aware that El Prez always takes a ton and a half of books with her when on rest and recuperation leave). So went on our way after exchanging a few pleasantries with aforesaid functionary who turned out to be a big softy despite his appearance.

Of course the irony is that my handbag escaped scrutiny, despite it containing a screwdriver, a spanner, a pair of scissors, a small penknife, a corkscrew, a small metal torch, a metal tape measure and a mini spirit level. And a box of matches. Meanwhile, my hand luggage which contained almost as much organic matter (books) as El Prez's likewise passed through unmolested.

The best we can say about all this palaver is that it is all there for show - a kind of deterrent. I wonder if it has ever detected a real attempt at sabotage?

iPad Mini/Microsoft Surface: Xorg Inter-Galactic Beats 'em To It!

Speculation is rife that Apple is about to announce the launch of an iPad mini as a rival to the KIndle and similar tablet devices. Microsoft are also keen to get in on this market and have apparently developed something which we are told is called the Microsoft Surface and will be launched at the same time as the new version of Windows, not surprisingly entitled Windows 8. It remains to be seen whether or not Windows 8 is a worthwhile upgrade or merely messing about for the sake of it and causing unrest.

Be that as it may, Xorg Inter-Galactic is proud to announce today the launch of its new hand-held device that will make the competition wish they hadn't bothered. The Xorg i29 is in stores now!

Comprising a feature-packed snazzamungo design with mind-blowing memory capacity and durability, the Xorg i29 will knock your socks off. Dual sketch-o-matic controls, virtual keyboard, and integral carrying handle and strap, not to mention super-efficient extending aerial.

Available at all good Poundstretchers, dodgy market stalls and their ilk, RRP £7.49.

Unexpected Bonus

The lady who lives in the ground floor flat is reknowed throughout the neighbourhood for being a noisy loud-mouthed interfering busybody. Older readers may recall that she was turned down for employment  as a foghorn by the Port Authority on the grounds that her voice is too loud and might thus actually be a danger to shipping. That doesn't mean to say she's a bad person as she and her dog are effective deterrents against intruders and a useful conduit for information. Moreover, she is exemplary in her approach to housekeeping. 

She has customarily been visited every day by her aging mother, arriving in the morning and departing mid-afternoon. Sadly the old dear has developed an unspecified 'problem with her legs' and she can no longer visit. But, as the Duke of Edinburgh is wont to say,"'It's an ill wind that blows nobody any good". The consequence of the old dear's immobility is that the lady downstairs now goes to visit mother every day and, in her absence, it is relatively quiet round here. No shouting, no dog barking etc etc., for the first half of the day at least. Bliss.

Xorg 4 v. Cockroaches Utd 0

There has been a small blunder by the electrician when wiring the kitchen. He has brought the cable for the sockets through the wall behind the larder cabinet. This has resulted in there being a hole about 1 cm in diameter being made in the larder cabinet which accommodates the conduit for the cable but which also allows cockroaches to gain entry to the cabinet. El Presidente has consequently been spooked a couple of times when taking out comestibles of one sort or another only to find a cockroach lurking there. The bastards have had limited success in contaminating anything as most of it is in sealed containers, but a packet of flour, a packet of rice and a packet of stock cubes have been compromised. They have also been leaving droppings very similar to mouse crap.

In my role as Logistics and Support, therefore, I have been called upon to exterminate the little buggers. Of course, they move about a bit quick when being hunted so the trick is to employ a pincer movement to get them to move in the direction you want them to go and then wallop them. So far, four of the blighters have felt the might of my wrath and cunning. Steps are being taken to bung up the entry point.

Tory Idiot # 2,437: Chris Grayling

If this Tory twonk, Chris Grayling, tries to gain entry into your house uninvited, it will be alright with him if you bash him on the head with a mallet. Whether or not that would knock any sense into him is another matter.

Speaking at the Conservative Party conference, Grappler Grayling announced that as Secretary of State for Justice he intends to change the law so that householders will be permitted to beat seven bells out of (or otherwise kill destroy or mutilate) any intruders so long as such behaviour is not 'grossly disproportionate'. This edict serves to illustrate the perils involved in appointing someone to the post of Justice Secretary who is not a lawyer and, moreover, is a reactionary twit who lacks the mental capacity to think things through sufficiently. The law already allows a chap to use reasonable force against intruders - and what counts is what seems reasonable to the victim (i.e. householder being intruded upon) in the circumstances. What it doesn't permit is chasing after the miscreant and shooting him in the back, or rounding up your in-laws to hunt the bastard down and stab him to death and/or lynch him. Such behaviour would be, errm, disproportionate and is what, under the existing law, the Crown Prosecution Service would call 'very excessive or gratuitous force' which would lead to a prosecution. So Mad Dog Grayling plans to change the law so that it provides for what it already provides for. But saying that at the Conservative Party conference wouldn't get you a round of applause, would it?

Defeat of The Rest of The World

From our Chief Sports writer, Big Ron Cliche McCliche: 

The game got off to a brisk start with Haines playing as a lone striker up front, supported by a five-man midfield of Haines, Haines, Haines, Haines and Ray. But it became apparent that The Rest of The World were not to be sniffed at and they launched attack after attack stretching the central defensive set-up of Haines, Haines, Haines, Haines and A N Other. Before long the ROTW star striker Dusty Miller had penetrated the flat back five to shoot past Haines in goal, leaving Haines and Haines the two full backs stranded and forlorn. But led by their redoubtable captain, Haines, the Haineses reorganised and were soon back on level terms. Haines was tireless in midfield putting in a full shift and Haines at left back made typical forays down the wing, getting several challenging crosses into the box for Haines and Haines to test the ROTW goalkeeper - a safe pair of hands, and he kept his team in the game. But it was not until the fourth quarter that the Haineses pulled their master stroke by changing tactics, swapping Haines in goal with Haines in midfield. Haines got the winner with only minutes to spare.

Miserable Self Pity

It's Monday morning, the sky is grey, it is drizzling with rain and it is cold. I hardly slept and I have a headache. We just had a delivery of five 25 kg bags of salt for the water softener which I've had to carry  from the delivery van to t'shed out t'back; if you add it all up that equates to carrying a 25kg bag for over 300 metres - slightly knackering.

One is not feeling that great. This song by The Kinks seems somewhat apt.

Guitar Vaults: Dweezil Zappa Speaks

This is a good idea. Register your treasured guitar in order to make it more difficult for thieves to profit from their crimes. The Guitar Vaults


PS. I like the use of the name 'David Noodler' as the sample member.

As You Like It

Another works outing for Xorg Inter-Galactic and Associates t'other day, to The Globe Theatre for their 'touring' production of As You Like It by  William Shakespeare.

A very entertaining show indeed, which takes Shakespeare's comedy featuring one of El Bardo's favourite comedic devices, cross-dressing and hidden identity, and makes the play even more confusing by having the actors play more than one character, as well as against gender. The most extreme example being the Duke who besides playing his brother, also played Audrey the shepherdess as a pantomime dame. Most confusing, however, was changing the gender of Jacques to female, particularly as it wasn't clear how that character fitted into the overall scheme of things. No doubt if you are a Shakespearean scholar none of this would be be bothersome.

Any road up, as I usually find with Shakespeare plays, after about fifteen minutes or so I became acclimatised to the language and begin to follow what's going on. The same happened with the multi-character gender-swapping and before long I figured it out. Except for the Jacques character who didn't seem to be part of the plot, but just generally interjected with miserableness. Subsequent research explained that in Shakespeare's time it was common to have a 'melancholy fool' as a contrast to the 'jester' character (named Touchstone in As You Like It). So there you go, M'Lud.

Full marks to the actors who worked their socks of not just as actors but also as musicians and singers. They kept up the pace, and threw in bits of slapstick and occasional taunts to the audience.The production made good use of a minimal set and it is refreshing to see a show which does not rely on special effects, dry ice and flying laser-induced pigs.

The Globe itself is a remarkable achievement - they really have tried to make it as authentic as possible whilst keeping to modern toilet standards and fire precautions.

iPhone 5: The Competition

Apple's latest attempt to dominate the mobile telephone market seems to have fallen flat, in a sorry repeat of their previous efforts that resemble week-old spinach more than the claimed technological breakthrough. A mere 1,297 queued up at the Apple Shop in Regent Street, only to be disappointed by the mish-mash of out-dated applications and inaccurate mapping information. "No matter how you spell it," said one miserable chump who had been camping around outside the store all night, "it all adds up to one big 'Duh!'"

Meanwhile, the latest innovation from Xorg Inter-Galactic was being demonstrated on the streets of New York, America. The xPhone29 outstrips all its rivals in terms of price, reliability and portability. Available now at all good stores where quality is the watchword.

(Pretty ladies in fur coats not included)

Books: Tom Holt

The story so far: Kevin Briggs has been turned into a chicken as part of a series of apparently random events involving a dry cleaners' shop, conveyancing lawyers, second-rate musicians, his neighbour's fridge and a pencil-sharpener. He finds himself talking to a hen, after having successfully confused and thus avoided fighting another cockerel.

The hen came a little closer and lowered her voice. "You know what a joke is," she said. "You know because you're..."

Instinctively he knew he didn't want to hear. He threw his head back and crowed until he thought his lungs would burst. But the hen just stood there.

"All right," she said, "try this. Which came first the chicken or the..."

He turned to run as though all the foxes in the world were crowding in on him. Then he stopped. "Egg, he said. "The chicken of the egg."

Slowly the hen nodded. "And the answer is?"

The word came from deep inside him somewhere, a place he didn't know existed. "Neither," he said.

"What did come first?"

"Transdimensional phase shift location," he replied, and the words squeezed out of him like (say) a square egg. "Setting up a differential feedback loop which in turn triggers a fundamental temporal paradox sequence, giving rise to what we subjectively term reality." (Holt, 2011, page 139)

Holt T., Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Sausages, 2011, One Reluctant Lemming Company Ltd., Orbit, Little, Brown Book Group, London.

Helix Pomatia: Mass Open Grave Revealed

The snails can't say they weren't warned. After tolerating their incursions into the garden of the 29th Dimension, and disposing of apprehended transgressors in a thoughtful and organic way, we determined that helix pomatia had crawled beyond the pale. Following extended rainfall, hordes of the blighters appeared and made free with the vegetation. Extreme measures were agreed upon and outright chemical warfare was thus declared and WMD were deployed.

This did the trick and mass slaughter of snails and their loathsome cousins, the slugs, has ensued. Some of the remains have been gathered up - what you see here is perhaps only a third of the victims claimedt. Slugs, of course, leave only a mess of slime.

Olympic Sailing

There have been some complaints here and there about the quality of the commentary on the TV coverage of the Olympics. Most of these grumbles centre on the abundance of cliches and over-worked hyperbole, and fatuous questions such as 'How do you feel?' Overall, however, I would say the BBC have done a very good job of it, particularly in aiming to cover every event whether on the mainstream channels, the red button or online. But the Xorg Inter-Galactic award for presenter of the year goes to this Irish chappie commenting on the sailing.

Warning: contains one or two slightly vulgar words.

Romney & Ryan 2012

What, Me Worry?

The Republican party is nominating Mitt Romney, a Mormon, for President and Paul Ryan, a Catholic, for Vice President. I'm all for inclusivity but these guys make strange bedfellows given their fundamentally different concepts of 'God'. Moreover, each considers the other 'unbaptised'. What are we to think if either should announce that 'God' told them to do it?

Romney has tended to 'flip-flop' on a number of issues over the years but Ryan seems somewhat more steadfast in his (questionable) views. Americans should be alarmed that Ryan might gain real power over economic policy, however. He is a devotee of Friedman and Hayek whose neo-liberalist doctrinal approach to capitalism, which was adopted by Reagan and Thatcher and pursued thereafter by their successors, brought about the financial collapse of 2007/8. I don't think Romney has any particular intellectual commitment to economics - he just likes making money and he doesn't care how ruthless he has to be to make a profit.

Ryan likes shooting things for a hobby so you can forget about any reform of gun control, or of bows and arrows for that matter. Romney just shoots at rabbits with his son's .22 so he's a bit of a namby-pamby by comparison.

Neither is fit to be in charge of America's foreign policy, both being entirely ignorant in this respect.

What they both seem to want seriously is to make health care more expensive for more people, and to enable people with money to make more money and pay less tax. And to hell with the rest of you (whatever their particular idea of 'hell' might be).

Olympics Men's Football

A works outing for  members of Xorg Inter-Galactic t'other day, to the City of Coventry Stadium for group matches between Japan and Honduras, and Senegal and UAE.

Fearing congestion and protracted security arrangements, we set off early but in the event there were no problems and we found the whole shebang quite well organised overall. Plenty of staff were on hand. The volunteers, in magenta tabards, were very cheerful and eager to help although the contracted traffic chappies in yellow tabards were less so. The police were plentiful but kept their distance, and the contracted security staff were serious and uncompromising. The security is, of course, tiresome but I suppose we don't have much alternative given the potential for mayhem should some nutter get through.

There was a very good atmosphere in the stadium, arising from the crowd being composed of family groups as well as football fans. Plus the usual antagonistic inter-club rivalry that you get at football matches wasn't present. Japanese supporters were there in significant numbers, however, and made plenty of noise led by a couple of taiko drummers. About half a dozen Senegalese were there, and there were a few more Hondurans but I failed to identify anyone from the UAE. So the majority of the 28,692 crowd were Brits who had come to enjoy some football, and good play was cheered by whichever team performed it. General positivity abounds.

Senegal were the more entertaining team with players prepared to have a go; Japan were disciplined with only occasional flashes of skill; Honduras included a couple of clod-hoppers; and the UAE were keen with good skill on the ball but lacked oomph, losing confidence after conceding a goal. For the last 15 minutes of their match, Japan and Honduras played out a 0-0 draw that suited both teams which drew a few boos from the crowd. Otherwise, it was all decent football.

We have to deduct points from Coventry because the PA system before the match and during the interval was far too loud. Moreover, the choice of music was crap.

Mitt Romney: Dangerous Nutcase

It has been my view for some time now that everyone in the world over the age of 18 shold have a vote in the American Presidential elections. Let's face it, America produces some right cretins as candidates and some of these dolts actually get elected. They are thus in a position to cause total mayhem all over the world according to their own lunatic ideas or whatever their paymasters might consider profitable.  Reagan had a wonderful time expanding the military to fight pointless wars in central America, for example. Dubya Bush gave us Afghanistan and Iraq. And let's not forget Vietnam.

Besides all the killing, there's the economics of neo-liberalism and globalisation. Mind you, in that respect, American Presidents have had plenty of assistance from British leaders such as Thatcher and Blair.

So it is with some alarm that I see that Mitt Romney is currently in with a 50% chance of becoming the next President of the USA. He's been touring Europe and the Middle East in the hope of gaining publicity for his campaign in the USA, demonstrating how ill-informed he is and that he has a somewhat simplistic view of how to get along with people who are not right-wing Americans. But leaving aside his questionable business practises and his ignorance of foreign affairs (amongst other things), the reasons we should worry about Mitt Romney are well summarised in a letter to The Independent today:

I don't care what Mitt Romney thinks about the arrangements for the London Olympics. What worries me is that, as a Mormon, he believes the golden plates allegedly dug up by the illiterate roughneck Joseph Smith, and then taken back by the angel Moroni, were inscribed with the Word of God; that Jesus appeared in America; that the dead of all nations, regardless of their religious beliefs while on earth, must be baptised before they can enter the specially reserved Mormon heaven; that women can play only a subservient role in the life of the Church of Latter-day Saints; that God lives, with his wife and children, on a planet called Kolub; that the spilling of blood is to be avenged by more spilling of blood; and that his Church should be ruled by a bunch of nonagenarians who receive "divine revelations" from time to time. And even then, none of this would worry me except that this is the fella who wants to be President of the United States!

Dr Meic Stephens

Cardiff

George Osborne: Ignorance

Today's philosophical conundrum. Just as honesty is not always the best policy i.e. you shouldn't necessarily tell your Mum that she has a fat behind, sometimes it's best not to know the awful truth. And people are entitled to remain ignorant, if they so wish. But it is a shame when members of the Government pursue this right so determinedly.

So I'm going to abandon all this Socratic pondering for today, be honest, defy George Osborne's rights, and reveal the awful truth:

George, you are an idiot who doesn't have a clue what he's doing, and your pal Cameron is a vacuous twit.

Beckham 2 v Stuart Pearce 0

Yep. David Beckham should have been selected for the Olympics Team GB!

Beckham 1 v Stuart Pearce 0

Perhaps David Beckham should have been selected for the Olympics Team GB...

Move Your Money

The revelation that Barclay's bank has been manipulating the LIBOR rate confirms what we've suspected for some time: the big banks are crooked and are not to be trusted. The Government may or may not be about to do something about it but I'm not holding my breath. A Parliamentary Inquiry is by definition run by politicians, all of whom will have differing political agendas, and it will consequently lack a clear focus. We saw how disjointed Bob Diamond’s questioning was at the Treasury Select Committee hearing on 4 July.

It has been somewhat pathetic for George Osborne to attribute the blame for the LIBOR manipulation to the previous administration. The deregulation of the financial sector took place under a Conservative government during the 1980s (the so-called ‘big bang’) and, had the Conservative Party continued in government after 1997, regulation of the financial sector would have had the same ‘light touch’ now being criticised by Mr Osborne. Moreover, had the Conservatives won the 2005 general election, Michael Howard would have been Prime Minister and Oliver Letwin would presumably have been Chancellor. Mr Letwin is paid some £1,200 per week as a non-executive director of N M Rothschild’s investment bankers so I think we can guess in which direction his sympathies would lie. Mr Osborne also has connections with Rothschild’s.  Further deregulation rather than closer scrutiny and better regulation would have been forthcoming, and I doubt whether Messrs Howard and Letwin, or Mr Osborne, would have done anything differently to Gordon Brown and Alastair Darling in trying to deal with the banking crisis of 2007/2008. Mr Osborne should not be trying to score party political points. As Chancellor he should be putting right the failings of the financial sector and concentrating his efforts on restoring the public’s faith in not only the financial system but also government’s willingness and ability to manage it.

David Cameron won't be doing anything substantive to reform the banking ‘industry’ and financial sector. His inherited fortune and privileged upbringing arises substantially from his antecedents’ exploitation of tax havens and financial transactions. This no doubt explains his opposition to the idea of a ‘Robin Hood’ tax. Moreover, he was Special Adviser to the Chancellor, Norman Lamont, in 1992 at the time of ‘Black Wednesday’. One wonders what half-baked advice Mr Cameron was giving the Chancellor that led to a £9 billion loss to the Exchequer in a single day! Typically, he has had nothing very much to contribute in connection with the current farrago of mismanagement, ineptitude and corruption, preferring instead to attempt to obfuscate the issue by raising (again) the question of a referendum on membership of the EU, and attempting to lay the blame for the financial deficit on the shoulders of Housing Benefit recipients under the age of 25.

But we can do something about it directly. Given that what bothers banks most is losing money, we can move our money away from the gangsters in the 'big five' to more ethical providers. See Move Your Money for more info and links.

Funny Old Drought

 

The Weather Forecast:

Today:Very heavy rain affecting much of the region at first, with a risk of localised flooding, will gradually move away during the morning or early afternoon to allow somewhat brighter conditions and a little sunshine during the afternoon. Maximum Temperature 22 °C.

Tonight:Variable cloud with a few clear intervals and just a little rain here and there but dry for the most part. Mist or fog developing in places later. Minimum Temperature 13 °C.

Saturday:Some bright or sunny intervals but also with heavy and thundery showers developing, especially by the afternoon. Maximum Temperature 21 °C.

Outlook for Sunday to Tuesday:Very unsettled with showers or longer spells of rain, some heavy and thundery. Outbreaks of rain becoming lighter by Monday. Turning cooler, too.

The Weather Report:

Met Office figures for June show double the average amount of rain has fallen, making it the wettest June since records began in 1910. This is the second record breaking month of rainfall this year, with April also topping the rankings. The period from April to June is also the wettest recorded for the UK. This June has seen periods of heavy and prolonged rain, as well as short but exceptionally heavy showers. The total UK rainfall was 145.3 mm - exactly twice as much as you would normally expect compared to the 1971-2000 average. This beats the previous record of 136.2 mm set in 2007.