Unexpected Bonus

The lady who lives in the ground floor flat is reknowed throughout the neighbourhood for being a noisy loud-mouthed interfering busybody. Older readers may recall that she was turned down for employment  as a foghorn by the Port Authority on the grounds that her voice is too loud and might thus actually be a danger to shipping. That doesn't mean to say she's a bad person as she and her dog are effective deterrents against intruders and a useful conduit for information. Moreover, she is exemplary in her approach to housekeeping. 

She has customarily been visited every day by her aging mother, arriving in the morning and departing mid-afternoon. Sadly the old dear has developed an unspecified 'problem with her legs' and she can no longer visit. But, as the Duke of Edinburgh is wont to say,"'It's an ill wind that blows nobody any good". The consequence of the old dear's immobility is that the lady downstairs now goes to visit mother every day and, in her absence, it is relatively quiet round here. No shouting, no dog barking etc etc., for the first half of the day at least. Bliss.

Xorg 4 v. Cockroaches Utd 0

There has been a small blunder by the electrician when wiring the kitchen. He has brought the cable for the sockets through the wall behind the larder cabinet. This has resulted in there being a hole about 1 cm in diameter being made in the larder cabinet which accommodates the conduit for the cable but which also allows cockroaches to gain entry to the cabinet. El Presidente has consequently been spooked a couple of times when taking out comestibles of one sort or another only to find a cockroach lurking there. The bastards have had limited success in contaminating anything as most of it is in sealed containers, but a packet of flour, a packet of rice and a packet of stock cubes have been compromised. They have also been leaving droppings very similar to mouse crap.

In my role as Logistics and Support, therefore, I have been called upon to exterminate the little buggers. Of course, they move about a bit quick when being hunted so the trick is to employ a pincer movement to get them to move in the direction you want them to go and then wallop them. So far, four of the blighters have felt the might of my wrath and cunning. Steps are being taken to bung up the entry point.

Tory Idiot # 2,437: Chris Grayling

If this Tory twonk, Chris Grayling, tries to gain entry into your house uninvited, it will be alright with him if you bash him on the head with a mallet. Whether or not that would knock any sense into him is another matter.

Speaking at the Conservative Party conference, Grappler Grayling announced that as Secretary of State for Justice he intends to change the law so that householders will be permitted to beat seven bells out of (or otherwise kill destroy or mutilate) any intruders so long as such behaviour is not 'grossly disproportionate'. This edict serves to illustrate the perils involved in appointing someone to the post of Justice Secretary who is not a lawyer and, moreover, is a reactionary twit who lacks the mental capacity to think things through sufficiently. The law already allows a chap to use reasonable force against intruders - and what counts is what seems reasonable to the victim (i.e. householder being intruded upon) in the circumstances. What it doesn't permit is chasing after the miscreant and shooting him in the back, or rounding up your in-laws to hunt the bastard down and stab him to death and/or lynch him. Such behaviour would be, errm, disproportionate and is what, under the existing law, the Crown Prosecution Service would call 'very excessive or gratuitous force' which would lead to a prosecution. So Mad Dog Grayling plans to change the law so that it provides for what it already provides for. But saying that at the Conservative Party conference wouldn't get you a round of applause, would it?

Defeat of The Rest of The World

From our Chief Sports writer, Big Ron Cliche McCliche: 

The game got off to a brisk start with Haines playing as a lone striker up front, supported by a five-man midfield of Haines, Haines, Haines, Haines and Ray. But it became apparent that The Rest of The World were not to be sniffed at and they launched attack after attack stretching the central defensive set-up of Haines, Haines, Haines, Haines and A N Other. Before long the ROTW star striker Dusty Miller had penetrated the flat back five to shoot past Haines in goal, leaving Haines and Haines the two full backs stranded and forlorn. But led by their redoubtable captain, Haines, the Haineses reorganised and were soon back on level terms. Haines was tireless in midfield putting in a full shift and Haines at left back made typical forays down the wing, getting several challenging crosses into the box for Haines and Haines to test the ROTW goalkeeper - a safe pair of hands, and he kept his team in the game. But it was not until the fourth quarter that the Haineses pulled their master stroke by changing tactics, swapping Haines in goal with Haines in midfield. Haines got the winner with only minutes to spare.

Miserable Self Pity

It's Monday morning, the sky is grey, it is drizzling with rain and it is cold. I hardly slept and I have a headache. We just had a delivery of five 25 kg bags of salt for the water softener which I've had to carry  from the delivery van to t'shed out t'back; if you add it all up that equates to carrying a 25kg bag for over 300 metres - slightly knackering.

One is not feeling that great. This song by The Kinks seems somewhat apt.

Guitar Vaults: Dweezil Zappa Speaks

This is a good idea. Register your treasured guitar in order to make it more difficult for thieves to profit from their crimes. The Guitar Vaults


PS. I like the use of the name 'David Noodler' as the sample member.

As You Like It

Another works outing for Xorg Inter-Galactic and Associates t'other day, to The Globe Theatre for their 'touring' production of As You Like It by  William Shakespeare.

A very entertaining show indeed, which takes Shakespeare's comedy featuring one of El Bardo's favourite comedic devices, cross-dressing and hidden identity, and makes the play even more confusing by having the actors play more than one character, as well as against gender. The most extreme example being the Duke who besides playing his brother, also played Audrey the shepherdess as a pantomime dame. Most confusing, however, was changing the gender of Jacques to female, particularly as it wasn't clear how that character fitted into the overall scheme of things. No doubt if you are a Shakespearean scholar none of this would be be bothersome.

Any road up, as I usually find with Shakespeare plays, after about fifteen minutes or so I became acclimatised to the language and begin to follow what's going on. The same happened with the multi-character gender-swapping and before long I figured it out. Except for the Jacques character who didn't seem to be part of the plot, but just generally interjected with miserableness. Subsequent research explained that in Shakespeare's time it was common to have a 'melancholy fool' as a contrast to the 'jester' character (named Touchstone in As You Like It). So there you go, M'Lud.

Full marks to the actors who worked their socks of not just as actors but also as musicians and singers. They kept up the pace, and threw in bits of slapstick and occasional taunts to the audience.The production made good use of a minimal set and it is refreshing to see a show which does not rely on special effects, dry ice and flying laser-induced pigs.

The Globe itself is a remarkable achievement - they really have tried to make it as authentic as possible whilst keeping to modern toilet standards and fire precautions.

iPhone 5: The Competition

Apple's latest attempt to dominate the mobile telephone market seems to have fallen flat, in a sorry repeat of their previous efforts that resemble week-old spinach more than the claimed technological breakthrough. A mere 1,297 queued up at the Apple Shop in Regent Street, only to be disappointed by the mish-mash of out-dated applications and inaccurate mapping information. "No matter how you spell it," said one miserable chump who had been camping around outside the store all night, "it all adds up to one big 'Duh!'"

Meanwhile, the latest innovation from Xorg Inter-Galactic was being demonstrated on the streets of New York, America. The xPhone29 outstrips all its rivals in terms of price, reliability and portability. Available now at all good stores where quality is the watchword.

(Pretty ladies in fur coats not included)

Books: Tom Holt

The story so far: Kevin Briggs has been turned into a chicken as part of a series of apparently random events involving a dry cleaners' shop, conveyancing lawyers, second-rate musicians, his neighbour's fridge and a pencil-sharpener. He finds himself talking to a hen, after having successfully confused and thus avoided fighting another cockerel.

The hen came a little closer and lowered her voice. "You know what a joke is," she said. "You know because you're..."

Instinctively he knew he didn't want to hear. He threw his head back and crowed until he thought his lungs would burst. But the hen just stood there.

"All right," she said, "try this. Which came first the chicken or the..."

He turned to run as though all the foxes in the world were crowding in on him. Then he stopped. "Egg, he said. "The chicken of the egg."

Slowly the hen nodded. "And the answer is?"

The word came from deep inside him somewhere, a place he didn't know existed. "Neither," he said.

"What did come first?"

"Transdimensional phase shift location," he replied, and the words squeezed out of him like (say) a square egg. "Setting up a differential feedback loop which in turn triggers a fundamental temporal paradox sequence, giving rise to what we subjectively term reality." (Holt, 2011, page 139)

Holt T., Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Sausages, 2011, One Reluctant Lemming Company Ltd., Orbit, Little, Brown Book Group, London.

Helix Pomatia: Mass Open Grave Revealed

The snails can't say they weren't warned. After tolerating their incursions into the garden of the 29th Dimension, and disposing of apprehended transgressors in a thoughtful and organic way, we determined that helix pomatia had crawled beyond the pale. Following extended rainfall, hordes of the blighters appeared and made free with the vegetation. Extreme measures were agreed upon and outright chemical warfare was thus declared and WMD were deployed.

This did the trick and mass slaughter of snails and their loathsome cousins, the slugs, has ensued. Some of the remains have been gathered up - what you see here is perhaps only a third of the victims claimedt. Slugs, of course, leave only a mess of slime.

Olympic Sailing

There have been some complaints here and there about the quality of the commentary on the TV coverage of the Olympics. Most of these grumbles centre on the abundance of cliches and over-worked hyperbole, and fatuous questions such as 'How do you feel?' Overall, however, I would say the BBC have done a very good job of it, particularly in aiming to cover every event whether on the mainstream channels, the red button or online. But the Xorg Inter-Galactic award for presenter of the year goes to this Irish chappie commenting on the sailing.

Warning: contains one or two slightly vulgar words.

Romney & Ryan 2012

What, Me Worry?

The Republican party is nominating Mitt Romney, a Mormon, for President and Paul Ryan, a Catholic, for Vice President. I'm all for inclusivity but these guys make strange bedfellows given their fundamentally different concepts of 'God'. Moreover, each considers the other 'unbaptised'. What are we to think if either should announce that 'God' told them to do it?

Romney has tended to 'flip-flop' on a number of issues over the years but Ryan seems somewhat more steadfast in his (questionable) views. Americans should be alarmed that Ryan might gain real power over economic policy, however. He is a devotee of Friedman and Hayek whose neo-liberalist doctrinal approach to capitalism, which was adopted by Reagan and Thatcher and pursued thereafter by their successors, brought about the financial collapse of 2007/8. I don't think Romney has any particular intellectual commitment to economics - he just likes making money and he doesn't care how ruthless he has to be to make a profit.

Ryan likes shooting things for a hobby so you can forget about any reform of gun control, or of bows and arrows for that matter. Romney just shoots at rabbits with his son's .22 so he's a bit of a namby-pamby by comparison.

Neither is fit to be in charge of America's foreign policy, both being entirely ignorant in this respect.

What they both seem to want seriously is to make health care more expensive for more people, and to enable people with money to make more money and pay less tax. And to hell with the rest of you (whatever their particular idea of 'hell' might be).

Olympics Men's Football

A works outing for  members of Xorg Inter-Galactic t'other day, to the City of Coventry Stadium for group matches between Japan and Honduras, and Senegal and UAE.

Fearing congestion and protracted security arrangements, we set off early but in the event there were no problems and we found the whole shebang quite well organised overall. Plenty of staff were on hand. The volunteers, in magenta tabards, were very cheerful and eager to help although the contracted traffic chappies in yellow tabards were less so. The police were plentiful but kept their distance, and the contracted security staff were serious and uncompromising. The security is, of course, tiresome but I suppose we don't have much alternative given the potential for mayhem should some nutter get through.

There was a very good atmosphere in the stadium, arising from the crowd being composed of family groups as well as football fans. Plus the usual antagonistic inter-club rivalry that you get at football matches wasn't present. Japanese supporters were there in significant numbers, however, and made plenty of noise led by a couple of taiko drummers. About half a dozen Senegalese were there, and there were a few more Hondurans but I failed to identify anyone from the UAE. So the majority of the 28,692 crowd were Brits who had come to enjoy some football, and good play was cheered by whichever team performed it. General positivity abounds.

Senegal were the more entertaining team with players prepared to have a go; Japan were disciplined with only occasional flashes of skill; Honduras included a couple of clod-hoppers; and the UAE were keen with good skill on the ball but lacked oomph, losing confidence after conceding a goal. For the last 15 minutes of their match, Japan and Honduras played out a 0-0 draw that suited both teams which drew a few boos from the crowd. Otherwise, it was all decent football.

We have to deduct points from Coventry because the PA system before the match and during the interval was far too loud. Moreover, the choice of music was crap.

Mitt Romney: Dangerous Nutcase

It has been my view for some time now that everyone in the world over the age of 18 shold have a vote in the American Presidential elections. Let's face it, America produces some right cretins as candidates and some of these dolts actually get elected. They are thus in a position to cause total mayhem all over the world according to their own lunatic ideas or whatever their paymasters might consider profitable.  Reagan had a wonderful time expanding the military to fight pointless wars in central America, for example. Dubya Bush gave us Afghanistan and Iraq. And let's not forget Vietnam.

Besides all the killing, there's the economics of neo-liberalism and globalisation. Mind you, in that respect, American Presidents have had plenty of assistance from British leaders such as Thatcher and Blair.

So it is with some alarm that I see that Mitt Romney is currently in with a 50% chance of becoming the next President of the USA. He's been touring Europe and the Middle East in the hope of gaining publicity for his campaign in the USA, demonstrating how ill-informed he is and that he has a somewhat simplistic view of how to get along with people who are not right-wing Americans. But leaving aside his questionable business practises and his ignorance of foreign affairs (amongst other things), the reasons we should worry about Mitt Romney are well summarised in a letter to The Independent today:

I don't care what Mitt Romney thinks about the arrangements for the London Olympics. What worries me is that, as a Mormon, he believes the golden plates allegedly dug up by the illiterate roughneck Joseph Smith, and then taken back by the angel Moroni, were inscribed with the Word of God; that Jesus appeared in America; that the dead of all nations, regardless of their religious beliefs while on earth, must be baptised before they can enter the specially reserved Mormon heaven; that women can play only a subservient role in the life of the Church of Latter-day Saints; that God lives, with his wife and children, on a planet called Kolub; that the spilling of blood is to be avenged by more spilling of blood; and that his Church should be ruled by a bunch of nonagenarians who receive "divine revelations" from time to time. And even then, none of this would worry me except that this is the fella who wants to be President of the United States!

Dr Meic Stephens

Cardiff

George Osborne: Ignorance

Today's philosophical conundrum. Just as honesty is not always the best policy i.e. you shouldn't necessarily tell your Mum that she has a fat behind, sometimes it's best not to know the awful truth. And people are entitled to remain ignorant, if they so wish. But it is a shame when members of the Government pursue this right so determinedly.

So I'm going to abandon all this Socratic pondering for today, be honest, defy George Osborne's rights, and reveal the awful truth:

George, you are an idiot who doesn't have a clue what he's doing, and your pal Cameron is a vacuous twit.

Beckham 2 v Stuart Pearce 0

Yep. David Beckham should have been selected for the Olympics Team GB!

Beckham 1 v Stuart Pearce 0

Perhaps David Beckham should have been selected for the Olympics Team GB...

Move Your Money

The revelation that Barclay's bank has been manipulating the LIBOR rate confirms what we've suspected for some time: the big banks are crooked and are not to be trusted. The Government may or may not be about to do something about it but I'm not holding my breath. A Parliamentary Inquiry is by definition run by politicians, all of whom will have differing political agendas, and it will consequently lack a clear focus. We saw how disjointed Bob Diamond’s questioning was at the Treasury Select Committee hearing on 4 July.

It has been somewhat pathetic for George Osborne to attribute the blame for the LIBOR manipulation to the previous administration. The deregulation of the financial sector took place under a Conservative government during the 1980s (the so-called ‘big bang’) and, had the Conservative Party continued in government after 1997, regulation of the financial sector would have had the same ‘light touch’ now being criticised by Mr Osborne. Moreover, had the Conservatives won the 2005 general election, Michael Howard would have been Prime Minister and Oliver Letwin would presumably have been Chancellor. Mr Letwin is paid some £1,200 per week as a non-executive director of N M Rothschild’s investment bankers so I think we can guess in which direction his sympathies would lie. Mr Osborne also has connections with Rothschild’s.  Further deregulation rather than closer scrutiny and better regulation would have been forthcoming, and I doubt whether Messrs Howard and Letwin, or Mr Osborne, would have done anything differently to Gordon Brown and Alastair Darling in trying to deal with the banking crisis of 2007/2008. Mr Osborne should not be trying to score party political points. As Chancellor he should be putting right the failings of the financial sector and concentrating his efforts on restoring the public’s faith in not only the financial system but also government’s willingness and ability to manage it.

David Cameron won't be doing anything substantive to reform the banking ‘industry’ and financial sector. His inherited fortune and privileged upbringing arises substantially from his antecedents’ exploitation of tax havens and financial transactions. This no doubt explains his opposition to the idea of a ‘Robin Hood’ tax. Moreover, he was Special Adviser to the Chancellor, Norman Lamont, in 1992 at the time of ‘Black Wednesday’. One wonders what half-baked advice Mr Cameron was giving the Chancellor that led to a £9 billion loss to the Exchequer in a single day! Typically, he has had nothing very much to contribute in connection with the current farrago of mismanagement, ineptitude and corruption, preferring instead to attempt to obfuscate the issue by raising (again) the question of a referendum on membership of the EU, and attempting to lay the blame for the financial deficit on the shoulders of Housing Benefit recipients under the age of 25.

But we can do something about it directly. Given that what bothers banks most is losing money, we can move our money away from the gangsters in the 'big five' to more ethical providers. See Move Your Money for more info and links.

Funny Old Drought

 

The Weather Forecast:

Today:Very heavy rain affecting much of the region at first, with a risk of localised flooding, will gradually move away during the morning or early afternoon to allow somewhat brighter conditions and a little sunshine during the afternoon. Maximum Temperature 22 °C.

Tonight:Variable cloud with a few clear intervals and just a little rain here and there but dry for the most part. Mist or fog developing in places later. Minimum Temperature 13 °C.

Saturday:Some bright or sunny intervals but also with heavy and thundery showers developing, especially by the afternoon. Maximum Temperature 21 °C.

Outlook for Sunday to Tuesday:Very unsettled with showers or longer spells of rain, some heavy and thundery. Outbreaks of rain becoming lighter by Monday. Turning cooler, too.

The Weather Report:

Met Office figures for June show double the average amount of rain has fallen, making it the wettest June since records began in 1910. This is the second record breaking month of rainfall this year, with April also topping the rankings. The period from April to June is also the wettest recorded for the UK. This June has seen periods of heavy and prolonged rain, as well as short but exceptionally heavy showers. The total UK rainfall was 145.3 mm - exactly twice as much as you would normally expect compared to the 1971-2000 average. This beats the previous record of 136.2 mm set in 2007.

Bob Diamond, CEO of Barclays: Sociopath

Sociopathy, or Anti-Social/Dissocial Personality Disorder is loosely defined but is described by the World Health Organisation and the American Psychiatric Association as including the following behavourial indications -

Callous unconcern for the feelings of others;

Gross and persistent attitude of irresponsibility and disregard for social norms, rules, and obligations;

Deception, repeatedly lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure;

Impulsiveness or failure to plan ahead;

Irritability and aggressiveness;

Reckless disregard for safety of self or others;

Consistent irresponsibility, repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations;

Lack of remorse, incapacity to experience guilt being indifferent to or rationalising having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another;

Incapacity to maintain enduring relationships, though having no difficulty in establishing them;

Prone to blame others, or to offer plausible rationalisations, for the behavior that has brought the person into conflict with society.

(Basically, you could say that the individual lacks a conscience.)

If someone exhibits three or more of these characteristics then further clinical examination would follow to establish the level of sociopathy present. There is apparently a genetic element so investigations would have to be made into family background too. It cannot be 'cured' but treatment with psychoactive drugs and cognitive therapy can succesfully manage the condition.

In the time since he's been in the public eye i.e. since the banking crisis of 2007/ 2008 and up to date, Bob Diamond has shown a lack of remorse, callous unconcern for others, deception, irritability and aggressiveness, consistent irresponsibility, an incapacity to experience guilt, and has tended to blame others for his dysfunctional behaviour. I reckon this makes him a suitable case for further investigation at least, and if his employers at Barclays Bank had any sense of compassion they would put him on extended sick leave. If he or his employers deny that Mr Diamond is suffering from this condition then we must conclude that his anti-social behaviour is deliberate, and despite his conscience, in which case he should be fired and investigated for fraud.

I Love Jeremy Paxman

Sir Gideon Osborne's latest about-turn, postponing the rise in fuel duty despite previously insisting it was essential, was discussed on BBC2's Newsnight programme alongside a report on Sir Gideon's penchant for changing his mind and generalised inconsistency. At the end of the piece The Blessed Jeremy Paxman interviewed Chloe Smith MP who is apparently the Economic Secretary to the Treasury. It was excrutiatingly embarassing for Smith who was clearly out of her depth as well as simply ignorant. Paxman was on top form, ripping the the wretched woman to shreds. I like the bit where he says to her "Is this some kind of joke?" but I think he is being a bit of a bully when he asks "Are you incompetent?"

Incidentally, Smith studied English Literature at University and worked briefly as a 'management consultant'. Splendid qualifications for the job of Economic Secretary! (Paxman also studied English but then he's a journalist and broadcaster so that kind of follows.)

Helix Pomatia Apprehended In Flagrante Delicto

Ugh. Our garden has been under attack from snails (helix pomatia) once again. These two little blighters were discovered this morning lying engorged after sating their guzzling appetites on a pot containing three young Dahlias. Judgment has been swift and certain.

My preferrred option is to deal with these pests organically i.e. throw them over the hedge at the back into the road where they can take their chances with a passing bus or joyrider. But their invasiveness has been such that we shall have to resort to merciless all-out warfare involving weapons of mass destruction of a chemical or biological nature.

Scouts in Bondage

Sorry to disappoint all you perverts out there. It's fascinating how changing times and historical and social contexts can alter meaning...

From gyrovagueness :
"A professor engages the Scouts to help dig up remains of a ruined chapel, seeking blocks of masonry with inscriptions. Assembled together these reveal the location of a secret treasure, actually a document which restores the rightful owners to the local mansion... I had expected the Scouts to be trapped or imprisoned by the baddies - perhaps escaping using Scouting skills, like lighting a fire with only two matches. But no Scout is confined in any way. I had expected scenes of imprisonment so prolonged and claustrophobic that I'd be grateful for the knowledge that it must, eventually, end. Instead - nothing. The only 'bondage' is the Scouts deal with the professor, whereby they dig for stone in return for a new hut - a kind of economic serfdom."

Christiano Ronaldo is a Bit of a Ponce

We always suspected as much but here is the photographic evidence of Christiano Ronaldo having his hair and make up done before the match. No doubt the pregnant lady in the picture is one of his 'sub-contractors'.

One wonders what  footballers of an earlier generation like Norman Hunter and Billy Bremner would make of this. Mincemeat, probably.

Why It All Went Wrong

A physicist, a mechanical engineer and a software developer were travelling in a car which broke down. The physicist suggested reviewing the laws of physics to figure out why the car would not work. The mechanical engineer suggested looking under the bonnet. And the software developer proposed that everyone should get out, then get back in again to see if that would reboot the motor. There was a banker in the car too. He said "Give me a fiver each and I'll hire a cab for you three when I've walked back to that town we just passed".
So they did, but they didn't see the banker again. And they are still waiting for the cab.

Plumbing

When the architect designed our penthouse suite he didn't think he needed to include specifications for what to do about the plumbing as he assumed the builder would just sort it out using his common sense. The builder, however, has no sense at all. He just left it to the plumber. He figured, oh well, I'll just put pipes where they'll go, making it up as he went along. So no provision was made for the pipes to be integral; they are on the outside of the building.

We've since had to renew the plumbing in the old flat because the pipes had corroded - this has meant our new plumber having to add to the circumlocutory nature of the supplies of water to bathroom, toilet and kitchen. Here's a short movie of the result.

Security

In case you were wondering what happened to all those wretched souls who were formerly employed by the East German Government in the infamous Ministerium für Staatssicherheit, aka The Stasi, I think I may have located several of them now doing their thing on a sub-contractor basis in Airport Security. Most of them are to be found in the USA putting on weight as part of the Transportation Security Agency, an adjunct of the Department of Homeland Security. Organisations which are there ostensibly to protect the citizens but which make a bigger contribution in terms of generating a sense of paranoia that whoever our current enemy is might be about to blow us up. Meanwhile, freedoms are gradually chipped away, things get ridiculous, and we all sigh.

I had dutifully put my bag and laptop into separate trays to be passed through the x-ray machine, and asked whether it was required that I should remove my shoes. No, I could keep my shoes on but I must put my watch in the tray as it would alarm the metal detector. I had never been told to do this by other functionaries and expressed surprise as I had first-hand experience of my watch not setting off the metal detector.

"Ah, but it's plastic," I said.

"Bot it iss a votch!" replied the Fraulein functionary.

"Yes. It's a plastic watch."

"Bot it iss a votch!", she urged.

"Plastic. Won't set off the detector."

"Bot it iss a votch!" The functionary's eyes narrowed, and I started to feel uneasy.

"OK. It's a watch. It's plastic." I sighed. I could see the Fraulein begin to look around her as if to summon the armed guards and thought better of any further discussion. A votch is a votch, after all, so I put it in the tray.

"Und your belt." She said through clenched teeth, eyes glaring.

"I'm not wearing a belt." Fraulein Votchspotter made no attempt to lift up my shirt and check, however. I raised my eyebrows and beamed at the Fraulein, passed through the metal detector unbeeped and unmolested, and my trays sailed through the x-ray machine without comment.

The irony is that in my typically absent-minded way I had forgotten that there were items in my bag that I really should have packed in my suitcase, rather than risk confiscation:

A Swiss Army penknife, a small spanner, a small pair of pliers, a miniature screw driver, a small pair of scissors, a miniature Swiss Army penknife, and various other items that might come in handy including a piece of string, a spirit level, metal tape measure and two torches. Any of which could be used by even a semi-skilled ne'er do well to cause unrest of one kind or another, but none of which were detected by the vigilant Fraulein Votchspotter or the expensive equipment.

Ho hum. I suppose it's all worthwhile...

Better Out Than In

From Chip Shop Awards

John McLaughlin & The 4th Dimension

Steely Dan, Live!

There are many reasons why a concert by Steely Dan is a truly wonderful experience. Original songs; nifty chords; economic uber-cool jazz-type rock arrangements; impeccable musicianship; humour and a general sense of enjoyment; and the backing singers. Not only can they handle the harmonic intricacies but they sure can kimbo, and they more than compensate for the ugliness of the central protagonists Becker and Fagen. 
[A moment of puerile sexism. Sorry.]

Catch 22 Strikes Again

If you want to transfer the ownership of your car in Cyprus, both buyer and seller have to attend the 'Citizens' Office' (if you can find it), queue up and sign the appropriate papers. Eventually, one might hope, this procedure will be possible online or even by post, but that's for αύριο (tomorrow) as the Cypriots might say.

However, there is a little wrinkle. The Regulations are such that only the registered owner of the car may take out insurance on the car but you can only register your ownership of the car if you have insurance. So there is a period in the procedure when time has to stop whilst you simultaneously register your ownership and get insurance. Of course, insurance is not provided by the government authorities who register car ownership but by a private sector supplier, who will be located elsewhere. Thus the telephone and Fax machine come in handy while time stands still so that you can register ownership while you get insurance which you can only get if you are the registered owner for which you have to have insurance before you can register ownership. Neat!

Stuff That Should Be Disinvented

Dogs

They bark, crap randomly, piddle unnecessarily, breed indiscriminately, and sniff each others' bottoms (and humans' nether regions too if given the chance). Some of them are dangerous.

Inappropriate and loud piped music in shops and restaurants

If yer fool enough to go to a disco, loud music probably helps the ambiance and frees up yer inhibitions a tad, especially if it's a good record, so fair enough. But attempting to eat whilst being forced to listen to some techno-bass-trip-hop in a room with lousy acoustics anyway is not much fun. Most people want to talk over a meal. Crap music plus bad acoustics makes this impossible causing a chap to have to talk louder and so it goes.

Christmas Records

If I have to hear Happy Christmas as enunciated by Mr Noddy Holder of the teenage pop combo Slade ever again, there will be measures. This cultural phenomenon is also the cause of several heinous crimes against music by Sir Clifford of Richard.

The Daily Mail

Right wing claptrap mostly made up. Biased, prejudiced, and responsible for misinforming and misleading gullible twits.

Currency Speculation

A chap can understand the business of stocks and shares being sold and traded as it relates to the performance of a single corporate entity. But currency speculation is related to the overall performance of a nation's, or zone's, economy which is made up of very diverse elements and which a government only nominally controls. Besides this, the only people who benefit from currency speculation are the speculators whereas entire national economies can lose by it. Seems daft that governments allow it!

Autotune

Amongst other digital developments, autotune has inflicted upon us a series of talentless no-hopers and records that all sound the same. If you can't sing you shouldn't be a singer!

Eton & Oxford etc.

The old boy network that perpetuates social division and oppression, and results in idiots like Cameron becoming Prime Minister, and jobs for the boys. I could go on.

Bagpipes

The definition of a gentleman is a chap who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

Nuclear weapons

These have been used twice. By the USA in the name of democracy, against civilians. Otherwise the notion of Mutually Assured Destruction has inhibited their deployment - be grateful the Russians had them too. Meanwhile, 'conventional' warfare has continued unchecked so what's the point? The problem is that none of the Powers That Be want to be the first to get rid of them, but just think of all the money we could save!

Chelsea Football Club

Chchchtt, ptoo, splat!

The Sanctum of Blessed Relief

Here's the other part of this year's project, now completed.

What Do We Want?

[With thanks to Tom.]

What a BRA-gain!

I took a trip to the Westfield Stratford shopping centre at the weekend, and I am very glad that I did...
There are hundreds of shops there, and a new one just opened. Intimissimi.
Intimissimi is an Italian clothing company specialising in ladies underwear. And as it was their opening weekend, ALL the bras were on sale for £9! So, this member of Xorg Intergalactic was able to get £55 worth of bra for £18! What a bargain!


I will not be burning these items in the foreseeable future (see post of 28th December 2010)

The Police: Live!

I was proceeding in an easterly direction along the seafront promenade with my colleague El Presidente  when I accounted a group of males and females in quasi-military uniform in Kimon Square preparing for some kind of exhibition or protest. We located a bench nearby from where we could observe the proceedings. The accused were led by a middle-aged Caucasian of average height and build, who communicated to his followers via a series of hand signals which, I regret to inform the Court, I could not decipher. It soon became apparent that we were witnessing an arresting performance of various light classics and popular tunes by The Larnaca Municipal Police Band.

There were good cops and there were bad cops but no Laughing Policeman. The drummer, however, sported a lascivious grin and a few of the female members were seen to giggle from time to time. None of the accused attempted to disguise their appearance and, indeed, bore identification markings. Fortunately, I had about my person my trusty hand-held imaging device and I was able to record events as they unfolded. As a matter of courtesy I will not ask the court to view the band's rendition of a medley of Michael Jackson and Madonna 'hits' from the Eighties. Instead, I offer as evidence of this heinous crime, this short film of their enunciation of 'Copacabana' co-composed by the estimable hooter on legs, Barry Manilow.

It's a dirty job, m'Lud, but someone's got to do it.

A Fab New Kitchen Diner

Well, here it is folks. The completed refurbishment of the kitchen etc. Now in use by aged relatives.

Exploding Pants

From Newsbiscuit 

A new to-die-for range of incendiary panty line brief bombs threatens to fly off the shelves at outlets of the Taliban’s favourite shop, Martyrs and Spinsters.The range of exploding underwear, a mixture of Semtex and wearable microfibres, promises to lift and separate martyrs like never before. ‘With these pants your buttocks will end up in different post codes,’ says one designer who worked on the new range, ‘and you’ll be lifted into paradise in no time.’

[Note for rabid Imams: It's a joke. Satire. A spoof, highlighting how silly and cowardly this so-called jihad has become. We 'heathens' generally find pants intrinsically humourous.]

Ukulele Orchestra in Shameless Appeal for Cash

The Ukulele Orchestra of Great Britain has been to Australia and had a jolly good time by the sound of it. Well, you can't help but have a good time with a ukulele in your hands.

A chap by the name of Robert Stern has been filming the Ukes and needs £40,000 Australian Dollars to complete production of a DVD documentary of the tour and we are all invited to chip in to make this possible. You won't get a share of any profits from the sale of the documentary (in the unlikely event that there are any) but you will at least get a thank you credit and possibly more depending on how much you contribute. Go to The Ukes Down Under for full details. Meanwhile, here's a video to entice you into the world of funding the Ukes:

See also The Ukulele Orchestra's own website.

Beer and Brains

(With thanks to Lord Trousers Himself)

Hole in t'Road

We were awoken this morning by the sound of digging machines, lorries and a pneumatic drill as the Water Board set about renewing connections to the mains for some of the houses up the road. All very entertaining as they made no attempt at first to divert traffic, and they arbitrarily chose to deposit several tons of hardcore on the vacant plot of land next to our house, only narrowly avoiding the parked cars. Eventually they did block the road to traffic, but still allowed pedestrians to wander by regardless of the heavy machinery and trip hazards. Any road up, all done and finished in six hours or so and awaiting re-tarmacking. They don't hang about as the Cypriots are quite keen on avoiding leaks, unlike the utilities companies in the UK. If they get a drought here, it's a proper drought and not one brought about by losing 25% of the supply in the pipe network!

Trouble at t'Taverna

It's all gone doolally in The Cradle of Democracy with the electorate daring to vote against the mainstream parties, Pasok and  New Democracy, who agreed the austerity package with Germany and France. It might not be sensible, but it is understandable that the left-wing coalition party Syriza is insisting on abandoning austerity and calling for a moratorium on debt repayments. This will probably lead to tears before bedtime if not the collapse of the Euro or, more likely, Greece being ejected from the Eurozone. As reported by The Guardian, Syriza is offering to form a condition with either of the mainstream parties on the following conditions:

1) The immediate cancellation of all impending measures that will impoverish Greeks further, such as cuts to pensions and salaries.
2) The immediate cancellation of all impending measures that undermine fundamental workers' rights, such as the abolition of collective labour agreements.
3) The immediate abolition of a law granting MPs immunity from prosecution, reform of the electoral law and a general overhaul of the political system.That would include abolishing the 50-seat bonus for the party which wins the most seats.
4) An investigation into Greek banks, and the immediate publication of the audit performed on the Greek banking sector by BlackRock.
5) The setting up of an international auditing committee to investigate the causes of Greece's public deficit, with a moratorium on all debt servicing until the findings of the audit are published.

Good luck with (1) and (2). I have to say I like (3), (4), and (5).

MadDonald's

It has been the policy here at Xorg Inter-Galactic for some time now that we do not eat at McDonald's so-called restaurants, unless as a last resort. Let's face it, the 'food' is rubbish and less than satisfying.

But yesterday evening I felt the need for a cup of coffee and rather than pay Starbuck's exorbitant prices for a mediocre product, or those being charged by the other refreshment emporiums on the seafront, I ventured into McDonald's. They will sell you a cup of Douwe Egbert's bog standard filter coffee for €1, so why not?

The coffee itself was OK. But the retail experience reminded me of another reason why one stays out of Ronald's domain. It was absolute bloody bedlam in there. And mayhem, to boot, moreover besides. It's a mystery to me that society has allowed itself to accept this as normal behaviour.

Perigee-syzygy of the Earth-Moon-Sun System

You'll find better pictures of the so-called  'Supermoon' elsewhere (e.g. at the Guardian) but here's how it looked just after the firework display following the flower festival in Larnaca. Picture taken without the aid of a tripod or safety net, hence camera shake!

Note for the astronomically unaware: The moon is actually the same size as it usually is. It just seemed to be bigger as it is temporarily a bit closer to the earth as a result of its elliptical orbit. At least I hope that's the explanation, otherwise it's Goodnight, Vienna!

Some enterprising chap on the seafront was charging people €1 a peep to look through his big telescope at the moon. There weren't many takers but this was perhaps because of his low-key marketing which consisted of the words 'Moon €1' scrawled on a piece of cardboard.

Legal Advice for Cameron

From The Independent yesterday:

"David Cameron is preparing for his appearance before the Leveson Inquiry later this month by receiving personal legal tutoring from a small group of leading lawyers. The legal briefings for the Prime Minister come in a week when the Leveson's Inquiry's investigation of News International moves uncomfortably closer to No 10." 

Cartoon from The New Yorker.

What a Pong!

It has been necessary to clear out the drains leading from the ground floor flat to the main sewer. We have engaged a Greek Cypriot from Sheffield for this purpose and he's busy rodding as we speak. Unfortunately this has meant removal of all the drain covers with the result that a vicious pong has been enveloping the vicinity, causing one's nose to curl up and die. Yeccch. Think yourselves lucky that Google does not (yet) allow me to cut and paste and/or embed the odour for your delectation!

The drain, not surprisingly, is blocked with various fatty deposits from the lady downstairs' kitchen, although she denies any culpability. Circumstantial evidence, i.e. that she's the only person who has been using the drains for the last six months, would seem to indicate otherwise. Any road up, there goes another €70!

Marinos Konstantinou is a Crook

Older readers may recall the tales of woe recounted here concerning our travails with Marinos the builder. To summarise, he is useless at building, he attempted to swindle us at every turn and, to make matters worse, he is a dangerous psychopath.

Marinos was introduced to us by El Prez's Uncle from whom he has been renting his office/shop premises. Uncle and Marinos have been friends for years and belong to the same social club so everyone thought Marinos would be reliable. But it turns out that after having made our lives a misery, Marinos has done a moonlight flit owing Uncle over €1,000 in rent. Despite many promises to pay up, he never did, so Uncle has had to engage a lawyer and start court proceedings. This has produced a promise to pay €200, via a mutual friend from the social club - from whom Marinos is borrowing the €200. Meanwhile, Uncle has discovered that Marinos has not paid his water bills and Uncle has been lumbered with paying off the debt. That, together with his legal fees, has swallowed up the €200. No doubt Marinos has a trail of other debts around the place that will soon be catching up with him, but it's any body's guess if he's got the money to pay. If he has, it will be hidden away somewhere beyond scrutiny by the authorities.

However, Uncle is extremely aggrieved at this betrayal by someone he thought of as a friend so he isn't giving up and has vowed to pursue the little blighter to the gates of hell.

Λουλούδια στη βροχή

It's tanking it down. Absolute downpour during the night along with howling gales and it's continued into today. Fortunately the new drain (improvised by Dinos and Dikaios) is holding up under pressure. So much for my big plan! (See earlier post).

May Day

This is probably something that will horrify yer average American but Cyprus remains one of the countries where it is considered perfectly normal and socially acceptable to be left-wing and to call yourself a Socialist and, hold your frothing mouth Mr Romney, even to be a Communist! Yep, the President is a democratically elected Communist. He leads a coalition government, and has cordial relations with both America and Russia. Cyprus remains a market economy, however. You try and stop a Cypriot from being enterprising!

Any road up, May Day is a Bank Holiday and the left-wing parties and the Trade Unions all get together for parades and speeches. The parades feature marching bands of drums with the occasional bugle - each Union and/or area having its own band. At the end of the parade, the Union leaders give speeches which, unfortunately, tend to go on a bit. The Brothers have yet to learn that four minutes hitting the spot is better than fifteen minutes of circumlocutory diatribe. Be that as it may, the lads have pointed out that The Struggle continues and that capitalism doesn't seem to be working all that well either.

Here's a couple of minutes of slide show of yesterday's activities in Larnaca. Note the lad with duct tape on his bass drum, a typically Cypriot approach to problem-solving, and the old lags in their red shirts. An aspect I liked was how relaxed everyone was and the way the crowd applauded the marchers. No police were on duty and the Union stewards took a laid back approach.

Magic Flowers

I bought this plant at the market a couple of days ago. I don't know what it's called or whether or not it is indigenous to Cyprus but it is definitely groovy. When the weather is dull and overcast the flowers close up. But when the sun comes out the flowers open. Fascinating. I plan to spend a whole day watching it.

Update: the proper name for this plant is lampranthus roseus

Delivering a Kitchen

Our man Spyro having made up the new kitchen brought it on his truck and arranged for a cherry-picker forklift to raise it up to the first floor, where it is to be installed. This was at times a nail-biting operation as yer average Cypriot is pretty much not very bothered at all about Health & Safety issues. No attempt is made to divert or halt traffic whilst the forklift chap does his thing; and Kyriacou in the motor bike repair shop just carries on regardless despite the precariously balanced load hovering overhead. Meanwhile, all are completely oblivious to the power lines above, which carry 50 amps, and nobody wears a hard-hat.
Safety at work remains a high priority, according to the Minister of Labour and Social Insurance Sotiroula Charalambous

Euro 2012 Footy

The Premier League run in, the FA Cup Final, and the Champions League Final; it's all going to get a but frantic over the next month or so. There's two or three weeks off and then it will be the Euro 2012 Tournament.

UEFA have very kindly devised an interactive doodad setting out the Euro 2012 Fixtures. England are up against France on 11 June in Donetsk. You can't buy tickets at the moment, most having been sold already, but some tickets will become available 'in early May'. England v. France will cost you either 120, 70 or 30 euros plus booking fee, admin, secure delivery blah blah. The Final will be 600, 300 or 50 euros. The cheaper tickets are presumably intended for the local plebs who will no doubt be supplying the black market!

Lucky Di Matteo Parks The Bus

Older readers may recall what the erstwhile Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho said when complaining about Tottenham Hotspur's tactics after they successfully frustrated in a 2004/2005 Premier League match:

"they brought the bus and they left the bus in front of the goal"

Which is basically what Chelsea's approach to both legs of the Champion's League semi-final has been. Seven men in defence, with two midfielders and one striker helping out. Chelsea, however, have had all the luck, which their interim manage Roberto Di Matteo seems to have brought with him. They had three chances on goal over the two matches and scored on each of them whereas Barcelona had innumerable chances and scored only twice. Meanwhile, Barcelona failed to win - Messi tried to place his penalty above the keeper and below the bar and failed when enny fule kno it is easier to score by hitting the ball to the left or the right of the keeper. They persisted in playing delicate intricate football trying to pass the ball into the net, as anticipated by Di Matteo. They should have tried to surprise Chelsea by lobbing the ball over the top, or shooting quickly from distance. I have discussed the matter with Spyro and we are agreed that the Barcelona goal that was ruled offside was not. True football fans will recall Chelsea being awarded a goal against Spurs which did not cross the line, and which John Terry admits was not a goal. Lucky Matteo.

One bright spot to emerge though is that the aforementioned Arch-thug and Cheater General John Terry was caught at last, assaulting Sanchez from behind, and given a straight red card so he will miss the final, along with Meireles, Ramires and Ivanovic, thus making the task a bit easier for either Bayern Munich or Real Madrid.

Counter Terror Expo

"An yll wynde that blowth no man to good, men say." - John Heywood, A dialogue conteinyng the nomber in effect of all the prouerbes in the Englishe tongue, 1546.

He was a lousy speller but Mr Heywood has hit the biscuit with the apostrophe so far as the 'war on terror' is concerned. You still have a couple of days in which to attend the Counter Terror Expo at Olympia, London where you will find all manner of dedicated professionals and businesses eager to sell you armoured vehicles, kevlar vests, CCTV, various weaponry and so forth to assist you in dealing with the terrorist threat:

"Counter Terror Expo features a highly relevant centrepiece conference designed to deliver insight, analysis and perspective to current threats, an extensive and highly specialised programme of workshops developed to offer an in-depth examination of specific issues and provide a focused forum for debate, as well as one of the largest showcase exhibitions of its kind anywhere and which attracts the leading vendors globally."

I must say it was jolly nice of the late Osama Bin Laden to have inspired the development of this particular branch of globalised economic development! No doubt the exhibitors have taken steps to ensure that none of these scheming Al Q'Aeeda chappies attend their workshops icognito in order to check out the counter-measures to their measures so that they can counter the counter-measures. And, of course, it's a complete coincidence that all the equipment and expertise on sale might also be used by an oppressive government to suppress legitimate civil unrest. But I shouldn't be so cynical; no doubt the vendors think carefully about to whom they are selling their products.

Bert Weedon is no more...

In the late Fifties and early Sixties anyone who fancied learning to play the guitar inevitably bought a copy of 'Play in a Day' by Bert Weedon. Not many were really sure who he was but you might have spotted him guesting on some crummy TV programme or heard him, unknowingly, playing as a session man on some record or other, making up for the technicall shortcomings of the average pop star of the time. But his book 'Play in a Day' was pretty much the only teach-yourself guitar tutor book around, so everyone from Eric Clapton to Alf Coggins started off with that. These days, of course, they teach rock n'roll guitar in school and you can get a degree in how to be a pop star. Back then it was just you and your friends and Bert.

Sadly, the inestimable Mr Weedon has passed away aged 91. I guess there will be many guitarists - professional or amateur - who will reflect on the memory of Mr Weedon with affection.

Today

No keeping the Sabbath Day holy for this lot! Eight o'clock this morning and work resumed, smashing walls down and clearing up. By about half three they were all done, and ready for the building phase to begin tomorrow with a delivery of concrete at 7.30 am. Why didn't we know about these fellows when we did the previous project?

Yesterday

Any road up, peeps, the lads got cracking and here's what the place looked like yesterday evening after two days work. Bathroom and toilet cleared, and a start made on the new plumbing and kitchen semi-demolishificated. Dust everywhere!

Tomorrow

Wonders will never cease!

Dodgy plumbing in the old bathroom necessitates renewal of the pipes (as the Bishop said to the Actress) and this has brought forward El Presidente's plans to substantially revise both the bathroom and kitchen. This involves engaging some local artisans of various specialities and expertise and, fortunately, we know a plumber who is the son of El Presidente's mother's erstwhile schoolfriend. El Prez forewarned him of the project prior to our present visit to our colonial estates and so when she contacted him on our arrival he was on the spot, with a builder chum, within hours to firm up the arrangements. "When can you start work" asked El Prez. "Oh, tomorrow" says Mr Plumber. Now then usually when a Cypriot says tomorrow it could mean anything; this week, next week,Monday afternoon, who knows?

But blow me down and call me a national disaster, at 8 am the following morning there they were! And work got underway immediately. My eyebrows leaped several centimetres! Of course, this has meant that El Prez and I too have had to get cracking, ordering supplies, clearing furniture and valuables out of the way and so forth. So yesterday was a long day involving interminable visits to tile shops, bathroom shops and...IKEA. But don't get me started on my views of the IKEA shopping experience...let us enjoy this moment of unaccustomed Cypriot alacrity!

Take A Nap, Sherlock!

This person is in the running for a Well Done, Sherlock! award. Dr Sara Mednick, who has a Phd in Psychology from Harvard and is a researcher and faculty member at the University of California, has figured out that taking a nap in the afternoon can be quite refreshing. She's even written a book about it, available from our tax-dodging friends at Amazon for a mere £8.99.

Her researches have revealed, amongst other things no doubt, that there is an appropriate time during the day, which is related to the time you woke up, to take 'The Ultimate Nap'. This is a perfectly balanced state in which REM and slow-wave sleep are equally proportioned. There's a nifty little Flash animation on her website that you can use to work out when this will be in your particular case. This assumes, of course, that you have had an unbroken night's sleep and Dr Mednick does not explain on her website what to do if this is not the case. Should one take a nap according to the first time you woke up or the latest? Or a nap for each waking up? I guess we'll have to buy the book to find out.

Last Words on The Titanic

Ho Hum

(from this isn't happiness)

River Cafe

El Presidente and myself were treated to lunch a few days ago at The River Cafe. So called, presumably, because it is on the banks of the River Thames just downriver from Hammersmith Bridge.

It's a bit posh, although not pretentious, and specialises in Italian food. HIghly recommended.  It's not cheap but the food is of excellent quality. Set menu of four courses was £39 and the aperitif of the day was £9, which is more than I would usually spend on an entire bottle of wine...

We did take some photos of the grub, but El Presidente's phone camera has gone on the blink and lost them so you'll just have to use your imagination. Tre Crostini di Tuscano, Tortellini di Ricotta e Pinoli, Mozarella di Buffali, Risotto, Branzin ai ferro, Maiali al Latte, Panacotta with grappa and raspberries, and Affogato, amongst other things, were consumed. Spiffing!

Tower of Power

Another works outing t'other day to KoKo in Camden Town for the last concert of their European Tour by Tower of Power, the world's hippest, funkiest, most groovymost soul band in existence. These chaps have been around for ages and are getting older and fatter as time goes by but they sho' kin kimbo nonetheless. Zillions of funkateers have passed through the ranks of the band which is centred on Emilio Castillio (tenor sax) and Steve Kupka a.k.a. The Funky Doctor (baritone sax). Here's a video of the current lineup, playing recently at the North Sea Jazz Festival. This song 'What Is Hip' is pretty much their signature tune and facilitates the part of the show where the dudes get the audience to join in. There are other key points - search YouTube for 'Diggin on James Brown', for example. Any road up, a jolly spiffing evening at a classy venue. Support was by a band called The PB Underground who were reasonably funky too, but just a tad too busy and loud.

Tory Half-Wits (cont'd.)

Sorry guys, but three half-wits don't make a whole one either.

Francis Maude, believe it or not, is a qualified lawyer and QC! Cripes, they let anyone in these days! Mind you he only spent six years practising as a lawyer before going into politics full-time, following in his Dad's footsteps, so perhaps we're twigging something there. Either he wasn't much good as a lawyer or he was only doing it to acquire some independent credibility as a prospective Tory candidate.

Any road up, in an effort to divert attention from the stink created by Mr Cruddas, Cameron (or one of his teen-aged advisers) thought he would dive in and stir up some trouble around the current dispute between the tanker drivers and their various employers about minimum pay and conditions. He figured that as it is the Unite trade union that is involved and they support the Labour Party, he was on to a winner and could cause massive embarrassment to Ed Milliband. But in his typically half-baked way he failed to figure out that Unite was nowhere near calling a strike - they had merely balloted their members on whether or not to take industrial action, as required by law. And even if a strike were to be called there has to be seven days notice. Talks got going today through ACAS.

For one reason or another, Francis Maude was nominated as the chump to take forward the plan for alarm and despondency. Not the Secretary of State for Energy, or the Secretary of State for Transport. Not even the Business Secretary. But Maude, the Cabinet Secretary. Funny that.

Well, as we've seen the whole thing was entirely bogus - there has been no strike but nonetheless thousands of dimwits have been panicked into queueing up for petrol and to keep their tanks topped up, thereby causing the fuel shortage they were all afraid of. Maude took it the extra mile with his stupid advice about keeping a jerry can in the garage. Duh! Even the Tory-friendly media have figured it out and suggested that the whole episode was manufactured as a distraction.

What's really depressing about it is that so many people allowed themselves to be conned into panic buying fuel. Perhaps this explains how it is that half-wits like Maude and Cameron mange to get elected to office in the first place.

Tory Half-Wits

Unfortunately for David Cameron and the Conservative Party, two half-wits don't make a whole one.

These two self-important dunderheads, Sarah Southern and Peter Cruddas, are the twonks who have landed Lord Snooty and his pals in the soup. And the fish course, entree, dessert and cheese board.

Sarah Southern is a jumped-up wannabe who, she claims, somehow or other persuaded Cameron to take her on as an 'adviser' or 'aide'. Actually, she's just done several odd jobs around Conservative Central Office such as 'event manager', and as 'operations manager' for the No to Av campaign. She has also done time as the national organiser for the Young Conservatives. She set herself up as a lobby consultant last June and boasting of her links to Cameron, introduced the Sunday Times journalists to another of Lord Snooty's pals, Peter Cruddas.

Cruddas is the twerp who offered to get the journalists invited to dinner at No 10 in return for a 'donation' of £250,000, and hence (allegedly) provide some bottom-up input into government policy. Cruddas is a different kind of jumped-up wannabe;  he has actually got loadsamoney that he made himself, despite his humble origins in a Hackney council estate. So he deserves some credit for dragging himself up materially at least, notwithstanding that he made his money through financial transactions in the foreign exchange money markets (he makes gambles on the ups and downs of the currency markets). And fair dos, he is quite a philanthropist, having given away millions to charities to help disadvantaged youths like what he was.

It is no surprise therefore to find that he is close to David Cameron who has been staunch in protecting the interests of the financial sector, in particular by refusing to even contemplate a 'Robin Hood Tax' which would cost the likes of Cruddas a fair whack of moolah. Nor is it much of a surprise to learn that Cruddas was 'non-dom' for tax purposes prior to making massive donations to the Conservative Party in the run up to the 2010 General Election. However, even if he is now liable to pay UK taxes, he can now look forward to paying 5% less, thanks to the recent budget changes. So he knows a thing or two about influencing Conservative Party policy.