What A Pranny!

Michael Gove. What a pranny!

First he buggers up the details on which schools may or may not go ahead with their buliding projects. Now he gets it totally wrong with his big idea for 'free schools' i.e. academies. He rushed through the legislation to enable schools to opt out of Local Authority control so that they could be operating under the new regime by this September (i.e. about six weeks from now). But it turns out that only 153 schools actually want to do this. Out of about 24,000 schools in England & Wales. It hardly seems worth all the bother, does it?

Funk Assessment

The word funky is often misused these days. In teenage fashion mags it seems to mean something like errmm this looks good and/or cool but we can't think why. Originally, of course, the term funky meant that something smells strange, odd, weird or perhaps unwelcome. But the true meaning of funky is that it is something that makes you feel like UH! Shake dem hips or whatever. We're talking Otis Redding, Eddie Floyd, and Wilson Pickett type definitions here, kiddos.

So here at Xorg Intergalactic we are launching an occasional series of 'Funk Assessments' in which we will attempt to explain why a certain piece of music is funky. Relevant contributory factors will include the correct use of a baritone sax, the dropped third bass line, a very tight brass section, a clavinet, Bernard Purdie playing the drums, and so forth.

First up is this item by Tower of Power; 'In The Slot'. It is the bass that provides the focus, and the drums are understated. The brass section is chopping things up. But notice how they have the guitar, the Hammond organ and the clavinet all playing the rhythm part. This is what makes it funky.

Hotcha!

Daft Decisions: Scrapping the Sustainable Development Commission

Caroline Spelman, the Secretary of State for the Department for Environment Food and Rural Affairs, has decided to scrap the Sustainable Development Commission (SDC), thereby saving £3 million in running costs. This is a very short-sighted decision and makes no sense at all. I have consequently felt it necessary to express my displeasure directly to Ms Spelman and have fired off a letter telling her so. Here's the gist of my disgruntlement:

Sustainable Development is about more than mere finance. It involves balancing environmental pressures with economics, social progress and justice, and promoting good governance. But even in merely financial terms, scrapping the SDC is daft. Considering that the Government is spending £10 million per day on the war in Afghanistan,  the savings from scrapping the SDC will enable the Government to continue the war for just over seven hours. Given that the SDC’s work so far has led to ongoing savings of £60 to £70 million of savings per year across government, and that the Afghan War seems to be going nowhere, which do you think provides better value for money? 

The work being done by the SDC will be brought ‘in-house’ and will be an everyday part of government. But the work will still need resources, principally in staffing, at a time when the coalition Government is insisting on reducing staff numbers. So the work that comes ‘in-house’ will fall on the shoulders of staff who are already overloaded. The result will be that something or other won’t get done. And meanwhile there will be no coordinating body to promote best practice across government.

David Cameron is quoted as saying that he wants this to be the greenest Government ever. How would Ms Spelman reconcile this ambition with her decision to scrap the SDC?

I Don't Mind If I Do, Doctor!

At last some news we wanted to hear, as reported in The Daily Telegraph.

Dr James Maxwell, a consultant rheumatologist at the Rotherham Foundation NHS Trust and Sheffield University, has discovered that alcohol reduces the severity of rheumatoid arthritis. Moreover, people who drink alcohol on more than ten days a month are four times less likely to have rheumatoid arthritis than those who never drank. It seems that booze suppresses the auto-immune system preventing the body from attacking itself - the cause of arthritis. Or it could be that you just get so pissed you don't feel the pain any more.

Shown on the left are members of BOP (Booze On Prescription) campaigning outside the Department Of Health HQ.

That Explains It Then...

Just thought I'd share this bit of literary criticism from the writer William Boyd. (Italics mine.)

• “[Chekhov] saw and understood that life is godless, random and absurd, that all history is the history of unintended consequences. He knew, for instance, that being good will not spare you from awful suffering and injustice, that the slothful can flourish effortlessly and that mediocrity is the one great daemonic force. By abandoning the manipulated beginning-middle-and-end plot, by refusing to judge his characters, by not striving for a climax or seeking neat narrative resolution, Chekhov made his stories appear agonisingly, almost unbearably lifelike.”

If It Ain't Broke...

I just love it when a service provider or some such decides to improve what they do and make it so much better than it was before. Even though it was fine before, having been fixed and fiddled with innumerable times since being introduced - all those fixes finally got it working just right. Ford did this with the Cortina; by the mid-1980s they'd got to Mark V and it was pretty much the best in its class, so they discontinued it and started all over again.

Virgin Media have just done this with their email service. It was working great until a couple of weeks ago, providing a service via a number of email addresses, reflecting the various providers that have been subsumed into the Virgin brand (blueyonder, ntlworld, and so forth). But for some reason they decided to throw in with Google and this has necessitated changes in pop and smtp server settings. They claim this is straightforward but it ain't. Since the changeover, there have been a number of intermittent problems, the most frequent (and amusing) error message being 'Invalid Backend'.  My email has been out of reach all morning and has just suddenly and autonomously started working. Mysterious.

The only way to be sure of not having a problem is to use webmail rather than one's usual email application (Thunderbird in my case). Perhaps this is accidentally intentional so that we might be forced to see the adverts on webmail, but the fact remains that the webmail application is not user-friendly and is rather clumsy. Any road up,  Richard Branson and his minions will shortly be experiencing my disgruntlement.

The Burqha, Burqa, Burkha, or Burka

I'll be direct. The Burqha is a bit stupid and anachronistic in modern western society; wearing it is not a religious requirement but a cultural choice... But it is no more ridiculous than  the clothing chosen by other cultural sub-sets. For example, the youths we see who wear trousers that are the wrong size and consequently dangle around their lower backside. Or the fat women who wear leggings and a t-shirt highlighting their spare tyre, or a mini-skirt revealing acres of cellulite.  Then there's old fogeys wearing socks with sandals, or youths who insist on wearing their hats backwards. Fat, bald blokes in football shirts are not attractive. Middle-aged men trying to look groovy just look silly. Certain hairstyles of the Punk or Emo persuasion are, frankly, idiotically laughable. So I don't think the Government should ban people from wearing the Burqha any more than they should ban trousers which are the wrong size etc and so forth.

The clothing you wear can be part of your expression of identity, which is fair enough ( e.g. 'I am a Muslim woman', 'I am a second hand car salesman', or 'I  am a brainless chav'). But there may be consequences. If someone wants to look daft, be regarded with disdain, be refused admission to posh eateries, get stopped by zealous security guards and/or policemen, be imprisoned in France, or be pilloried by the popular press, then that's the way the cookie crumbles and it's Goodnight Vienna.

Zappa Plays Zappa

Another works outing this week, to the Cambridge Corn Exchange, to see Dweezil Zappa with his splendid teenage rockin' combo Zappa Plays Zappa (ZPZ).

For those of you unversed in the legend, Dweezil is the Son Of Frank Zappa (FZ) and five years ago he set up this band to tour and play exclusively and accurately the music of his late father. It is thus probably the most legitimate tribute band on the planet. Dweezil has previously done loads of solo stuff, as well as guesting on his Dad's shows as a lad, and he runs the production side of the Zappa Family Trust (ZFT) which releases Frank's posthumous stuff.

Any road up, what a brilliant concert! They played for about two and half hours without an interval, and with meticulous care whilst incorporating some wizard solos along the way. The band were excellent; talented musicians clearly dedicated to playing it right. Jeff Simmons, bass player for FZ once upon a time, used to say about FZ's bands that "You've got yer armies and you've got yer rock bands. And this is what you've got in between." It seems that the same discipline has been carried through to ZPZ. This is important because a lot of FZ's music is demanding, difficult to play and often statistically very dense, darting through key changes and time signatures whilst settling in a groove of one kind or another from time to time - reggae, or a shuffle, or a boogie, whatever - and dabbling in any genre you care to think of; blues, jazz, avant-garde classical, doo-wop, rock, sea shanties, Bulgarian folk music and so forth.

Dweezil's guitar playing has improved immensely in recent years. He was previously more akin in style to the likes of Eddie van Halen but the discipline of replicating FZ's stuff has clearly rubbed off on him and his solos are really quite inventive now. But he's a different character to the Old Man - he smiled for most of the concert and seemed to be quite nice really. He hasn't got the presence of FZ nor does he try to engage with the audience in the way FZ did in terms of political/social/deviant commentary. It is just about the music.

I think every member of ZPZ apart from perhaps the drummer, Joe Travers, would qualify for one of FZ's bands. Joe is a very competent player and got all the parts (mostly) right but he whacked the drums too hard too often. He's a 'rock' drummer rather than a musician with a distinctive style as posessed by FZ's alumni e.g. Terry Bozzio or Vinnie Collaiuta. The bass player, Pete Griffin, suffered a tad because the acoustics at the Corn Exchange mean that the bass resonates and you lose clarity, but he certainly put a lot of energy into it. Jamie Kime on guitar provided solid back-up for Dweezil and contributed a fantastic solo on 'Advance Romance'. On keyboards, Chris Norton jazzed things up a bit for his solos and provided some nifty vocals too. Percussion is a big part of FZ's music and Billy Hulting was excellent, handling the complex melody lines as well as chilling out on the vibes for his solos. Ben Thomas on lead vocals, harmonica and trumpet was rather good, injecting bits of showmanship here and there. The major talent in the band though is Scheila Gonzalez on saxophone, flute, keyboards and vocals - that's what I call multi-tasking. Brilliant. Setlist here.

Bonus points to Dweezil for staying on after the end of the show to sign autographs and shake hands etc. Only one complaint - it was very loud with a bit too much treble.

As for the venue: The facilities are good enough but they must do something about the acoustics and install some baffles.
Supplemental: For alternative FZ tribute bands and FZ alumni, you could nip over to Germany for Zappanale between 10 and 15 August. This is not however approved or endorsed by the ZFT, but that's another story.

Corporal Clegg

Mike Stern at Ronnie's

Another Xorg Collective works outing last week, once again to Ronnie Scott's in Frith Street, to see The Mike Stern Band. Spiffing! (but half a point deducted because they didn't play an encore as they had a plane to catch).

For those of you who don't know who he is Mike Stern has been around for ages, having played guitar for Miles Davis, The Brecker Brothers, Billy Cobham, Jaco Pastorius, David Sanborn, and many more. He's also done innumerable sessions for various people, and briefly had Pat Metheny as a tutor while he was at Berklee Music College. So, you can figure that the music is pretty much jazz fusion but with some softer melodic elements and tones included.

The line-up was completed by: Dave Weckl on drums; Randy Brecker on trumpet; and Chris Minh Doky on bass. It is most unusual to find a band which features guitar and trumpet as the lead instruments. Of course, Mike Stern took most of the solos but Mr Brecker also did his thing and he is quite phenomenal; he sits there looking all chilled out and almost asleep then when the time comes he slowly gets up and then plays notes which come from nowhere I know. He uses an electro-harmoniser as well which produces a fantastic effect, set at different intervals - sometimes on a Fourth and sometimes on a Second (I think). I dunno how he does it but it sounds remarkable.

Dave Weckl seems to be a serious kind of a fellow, whose faced cracked into a smile only once, towards the end of the second set. But he sure can twiddle those paradiddles. The bass player, Chris Minh Doky, who was previously unknown to me, was pretty good as well - he didn't overdo the statistical density of his solos. The striking thing though was that the whole band were enjoying themselves and you could feel the connections between them in their playing. Which is what it is all about.

Bonus points to the band for friendliness towards the crowd.

Addendum: As usual, negative marks for Ronnie's for their policy of automatically adding a 12.5% 'discretionary service charge' to the cost of drinks, even if you get them yourself from the bar. And they need to do something about the inadequate toilets.

Numismatists Ahoy!

The Royal Mint is running a poll inviting us to vote for who should be added to their 'Great Britons' collection. Jane Austen, John Logie Baird, Walter Raleigh and several others. Mysteriously, Harry Redknapp is not amongst the candidates.

Spurs Show The Way

Like all right-minded people, those eminently sensible chaps in charge of Tottenham Hotspur Football Club wish to see the vuvu-flippin-zela banished to the forgotten Highbury stadium of history. Spurs have taken the lead amongst Premier League clubs and banned the wretched device. Good riddance!

Things In Which I Am Not The Slightest Bit Interested

Anybody's Star Sign
What Peter Andre Might or Might Not Be Doing
Lady Gaga
Earning £000s of Pounds In My Spare Time
Blancmange
Answering A Few Questions
The Twilight Saga
Horse Racing
Changing my electricity or gas supplier

Crime of the Century: Free The Rabbits!

(via The Independent) 
Pet rabbit stolen by animal rights protester 
Two young pet owners were left "heartbroken" when their rabbit was stolen by an animal rights protester. Nine-year-old Barney was snatched last week and replaced with a handwritten note saying rabbits should be out "socialising". Oliver Bailey, 38, and his children Kiera, 13, and Harry, 10, woke on Friday morning to discover that he was missing from his hutch in the garden of their home in Darwen, Lancashire. All that remained was a note, which read: "This is animal cruelty. Rabbits should not be left in hutches, they should be out in the wild and socialising."

Mr Bailey told the Lancashire Telegraph that he bought the pet for his children after Kiera cut her eye in reception class. He said: "My children are heartbroken. They are absolutely horrified. They love the rabbit and play with him every day. He is taken to the vets regularly and gets the best possible treatment. "We are heartbroken to be accused of animal cruelty to a pet rabbit we love dearly. "My kids are asking me 'Why would someone do this to us when we love him so much?' " He said he is concerned that the rabbit may have been let out into the woods where it could die.

A spokesman for Lancashire Police confirmed they had received a report of a stolen rabbit. Barney is small and white with grey patches.

That'll show 'em!

Tea for Two!

Cake

Tea at The Ritz

Flies

About a year ago our local authority moved to 'Alternate Weekly Collections' of household waste. the strategy is that one week they collect all the recyclable stuff and the next week they collect the other rubbish, whereas it all used to be collected every week. This no doubt saves them some money somewhere along the line but, of course, the result is that we now have rubbish of one sort or another sitting outside our front door for up to two weeks at a time.

The consequence of this during the summer is, naturally, an increase in the number of flies. And maggots in the bins. Horrible squirmy wriggly things. I realise that the flies and maggots are all part of the degradation process but my grievance is that it now begins outside my front door rather than on the council tip where it used to happen (and still does). In the past half hour I have terminated three flies, and there remain several more buzzing around the house. What I am I to do to prevent this explosion of pestilence - clean the rubbish before I put it in the bins?

Vuv-flipping-zelas: There is an answer!

Daft Haircut 2010

And so, as the World Cup comes to a close, it is time to consider the daftest hairstyle of the tournament. I regret that, like much of the football this time around where teams have played 'not to lose', there has been a disappointing array of contenders. They were mostly a bit nondescript. There has been the usual agglomeration of billiard balls, mostly intended to obfuscate thinning hair, and an assortment of mohawks and mohicans which are, frankly, a bit old hat. Only one perm that I noticed, on Puyol; a somewhat loose affair. However, these two chaps (Gervinho on the left and Hamsik on the right) have made a decent effort. Gervinho's barnet is reminiscent of Peter Gabriel's appearance whilst performing with the prog rock combo Genesis in the early seventies, and Hamsik has obviously been wired up wrongly.

Nick Clegg to repeal second law of thermodynamics

(From News Biscuit)

As part of his campaign to abolish bad and unnecessary legislation, Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg has announced plans to abolish the second law of thermodynamics – the law that states the universal principle of entropy.

‘The British people are sick and tired of things continually breaking down,’ said Mr Clegg, ‘this law stands in the way of progress and it has to go.’ The announcement follows extensive consultation in which the public were invited to nominate the laws that they would most like to see abolished. ‘There was a clear consensus that the universal principle of decay had become a real nuisance,’ said Mr Clegg, before going on to promise what he described as ‘the biggest shake-up to the fundamental laws of physics since the Big Bang.’

Constitutional lawyers are now working alongside physicists to draft a replacement law of thermodynamics to plug the gap between laws one and three.

‘It won’t be easy creating an entirely new law of physics completely from scratch,’ explained government advisor Professor Brian Cox, ‘we tried it back in 1997 when I was a member of D:Ream and we drafted legislation stating that ‘things can only get better’. However, because of the second law of thermodynamics, things inevitably collapsed into a state of war, corruption and economic meltdown.’

(more)

The Robin Hood Tax

I've been thnking about this for a while now not sure (a) whether it can work and (b) whether the 'bankers' will just find a way round it. But following George Osbourne's so-called emergency budget which has done nothing at all to correct the  money-grubbing activities of the 'bankers', but has instead pushed the onus of correcting the fiscal deficit onto those who had nothing to do with creating it, I reckon now we've got to do something and, at least, let the buggers know we're on to them.

The idea behind the campaign for The Robin Hood Tax is that every time the investment banks and financial markets make a transaction then a small percentage, say 0.05%, should be paid in tax, half the proceeds going to the Government of the country where the transaction takes place and half going to a global fund to ameliorate climate change and/or global poverty. Given the number and size of transactions that take place in the world's financial markets, it wouldn't take long to raise loadsamoney. This is a tax on activity relating to turnover rather than profits so it wouldn't affect dividends on long-term investments e.g. pension funds.

The average daily turnover in the foreign exchange markets is over $3 trillion; that's 3 X 10¹² US dollars. Not every dollar would be taxed, just every transaction, but that's still a lot of moolah to help ease the fiscal deficit the 'bankers' have lumbered us with. And then maybe it wouldn't be necessary to increase VAT to 20%, cancel school building projects, or make a million public sector workers unemployed.

So get on over to The Robin Hood Tax and sign up!

The Swedish Chef Rides Again!

Red Kite

The rumours were correct and there is a Red Kite in the neighbourhood. Spotted circling about seventy metres high, above our house, circling on yer thermals. I guess if there's one there must be at least one more and they're producing some little Red Kitelettes.
(This is a random picture of a Red Kite, not the actual one.)

Snails 3 v. Xorg 0

These sorry specimens are courgette plants (zucchini) which were grown from seed and transplanted to this here Growbag thingy a month ago. They've been watered regularly and kept in a sunny position but I failed to take sufficient preventive measures against snails. I prefer an organic approach to snail removal rather than chemicals which might poison the birds as well. Usually whenever I spot one I pick it up and throw it over the hedge where it can take its chances with the traffic. But the buggers have been too shrewd for me on this occasion and have made short work of these wretched plants. I'll see if I can restore them to health but I'm not optimistic!

Meanwhile, behind the courgettes is a blackberry bush in a similarly miserable condition caused not by snails but by starvation as a result of competition from our neighbour's variegated dogwood tree which he has planted too close to the fence. I'll wait till the autumn and relocate it.

Here's our Phil on drums for Acer Maple. You can see them live on 24 July at The Forge in Camden Town, London.

Acer Maple - 'This is' from matthew scholes on Vimeo.

Awesome Photographer 1 - Irving Penn

I went to the Irving Penn exhibition at the Nation Portrait Gallery (a while ago now). You should have gone. You cant now because it has ended. You missed out. He is flippin awesome!

Your friend and mine, Pablo PIcasso.

Footnote: Click here for a link to Photography Now's slideshow of some of Mr Penn's work. X.

Open My Eyes

Another reminder of the existence of Todd Rundgren

Poem for Today

Said Hamlet to Ophelia

"I'll draw a sketch of thee.

What kind of pencil shall I use;

2B or not 2B?"

Oh No!

England fans, complimented for their good behaviour in South Africa, return to Old Blighty swathed in disappointment, dejection, abject misery, disillusionment, and debt. But most alarmingly some divots, like this bozo, are returning with vuvu-flipping-zelas. This wazzock has seven of the infernal devices! Let's hope this is merely a passing fancy and these wretched hooters do not make an appearance at English football grounds. Otherwise, the National Health Service Accident & Emergency clinics are going to have to employ a lot more proctologists.

Still Day Six in the Big Sister House!

Look what landed in our back garden.

Day Six in the Big Sister House!

As you can see there is now a frame.

Aviculture Update

We don't have any migrating swifts in this part of Old Blighty but we do have blackbirds. In fact there are a few domiciled in the hedge at the back of our garden and I am enjoying listening to them singing. There's one chappie who seems to choose a time when all the other birds have gone quiet and he sits up there and warbles away, extemporising and generally noodling like a proper noodler practising for his noodling exam.

Also present at Xorg-Intergalactic HQ Park and Gardens: the inevitable pigeons; chirpy sparrows; a curious robin; shy blue tits; and the accursed magpie. There's rumours of a red kite in the neighbourhood but I have yet to observe said beasty.
Addendum: Blackbirds are not, of course, tuneful all the time especially when they are feeding the fledglings. A fair bit of screeching has been going on. Moreover, there seems to have been some kind of territorial dispute which involved much flapping and hedge-bothering.

Negativity

Well, there's a lot of disappointed Greeks around the world. It was unlikely that they would have beaten Argentina but they could at least have given it a go; the Argentinian's defence isn't all that great - their strength is in attack. Yer man Samaras isn't a bad player and if he'd had some support from midfield he might have got somewhere. OK, so we can appreciate a solid defensive performance and effective man-to-man professional performance but what's the point when you know at the outset that to progress further in the tournament, you have to win?

Day Five in the Big Sister House!

Note the addition of the breeze blocks. Not quite sure why the builders only work for a couple of hours then leave. I think their approach is one step at a time ... literally.

Day Four in the Big Sister House!

Here we can see the beginnings of the brickwork. Meanwhile my spinach is looking quite dead as they stored their tools on my veg patch!

Day Three in the Big Sister House!

We have concrete!

Day Two in the Big Sister House

As you can see bricks have made an appearance!

England Schmengland

That was truly dreadful. Woeful. Pathetic. Not only did the players fail to get themselves going but Mr Capello got his team selection and tactics all wrong. Wayne Rooney was rubbish; Emile Heskey was not good enough; Gerrard and Lampard fizzled out into nothingness; and they all looked like they just didn't have a clue. But it is Mr Capello who should own up - he should have substituted Rooney and Heskey after twenty minutes and brought on Crouch and Defoe then rather than with only ten minutes to go. Blithering idiot. Of course, as a result he's now faced with the even more difficult choice of whether he should stick with his line-up or be bold and change it from the outset, for a game which they must win. Well, duh! Talk about adding pressure!

Having said all that, it is not unusual for England to under-perform against 'inferior opposition' so although disappointed and depressed one is not actually all that surprised. What is more alarming is that Germany fluffed a penalty in their match. Whatever next?

Vuvuflippinzelas

That's all I needed. One of the neighbour's children has somehow acquired a vuvuzela doodad and has begun honking it this evening. Here's hoping the little honker makes himself go deaf, or blind, or away somewhere.

I had a brainwave about these vuvuzela thingies. What FIFA should do is arrange for some different ones to be made, which play different notes, and which people can exchange for their existing ones for free. If they were to make them so that they played the notes of, say, C, E and G, then at least we'd get a nice triad type chord instead of the monotonous B flat drone currently being produced. And you never know, you might even get some random tunes generated.

Original Album Classics

If you are thinking of replacing some of your old LPs with CDs, or catching up with some that you missed, check out the reissue sets from Sony/BMG Original Album Classics. Some are 3 CD sets but most are 5 CD sets, and are generally £11.99, which at £2 8s 0d per album is excellent value. Jeff Beck, Santana, The Allman Brothers, The Byrds, Carole King and many more. Hotcha.

Still Day One in the Big Sister House

The housemates must decide on which tile they prefer. The public are invited to vote for their favourite.

Day One in the Big Sister House

Foundations dug. Garden a mess.

National Portrait Gallery/ Ed's Diner

The latest Xorg-Intergalactic works outing took place last Friday with a trip to the National Portrait Gallery to attend one of their workshops.  Accompanying FabMary and myself was Susannah of the Chamberlain clan. This was a drop-in drawing session where for a couple of hours an accomplished artist provided handy tips on how to draw portraits. The session was led by a very lively lady who was filled with enthusiasm for her subject and  helped a group of cack-handed scribblers to achieve some measure of success in copying a portrait of Charles the Second. He had a big nose, and no mistake. I enjoyed the experience immensely and had my first ever go at doing a chalk drawing - not bad for starters but I need to make my outlines bolder, apparently. If you're in London of a Friday evening, get along there (it's free) but be early coz the sessions are limited to thirty people.

Beforehand, we had a bite to eat at Ed's Diner in Rupert Street. This was jolly spiffing - genuine American Fifties high-fat junk food, with an old-fashioned Rock n' Roll jukebox. I consumed what they call a 'Chilli Dog Combo'. A frankfurter hot dog with a dollop of chilli con carne, plus chips, onion rings, coleslaw and half a gherkin; all for the princely sum of £8.25. And an endlessly refillable mug of filter coffee for £1.75. Highly recommended, but not too often unless you want to end up like a tub of lard and die prematurely of a heart attack!

What's That Buzzing Noise?: Adolf Gets Depressed.

Balls

Mumblings continue about the new Adidas ball being used in the World Cup. Apparently it lifts itself when wellied too hard. Some have even been saying it is unpredictable and consequently makes life difficult for goalkeepers (thank you Robert Green's mum.) But you can't fail to have noticed that Germany have scored four goals with it so perhaps the ball isn't so much of a problem. Or maybe that's because the Germans have been practising with the the ball since January. (Note: Adidas is a German-based company.)

Whatever, let's hope James Milner and his chums have also been practising with it. 

The World Cup So Far

It's all looking very familiar. A couple of dull opening games. England under-achieving in a nervy start and giving away a stupid goal against inferior opposition, and injuries to key players. Germany being under-estimated and turning out to be just as organised and disciplined as ever, producing quality when it's needed. Greece being rubbish. Argentina relying on three or four wizard players. Italy defending cautiously. Mad Africans. Inconsistent referees and complaints about the new ball. Crap coverage by ITV. And I could live without those vuvuzoola thingies that drown everything out. Harumph. But it usually gets better with the second set of group matches when teams realise they've got to do something about the mess they're in. Here's where Fabio Capello earns his £6 million a year!

Picture by Carleton Creek via The Guardian

Jeff Beck Emotion & Commotion

Jeff Beck in (mostly) quiet and reflective album shock!

After quite a long gap, Jeff Beck has a new album out 'Emotion & Commotion' which features him playing with an orchestra and some guest lady vocalists. There are some typically flashy and noisy moments on it but for the most part it has a sort-of-classical feel to it. Recommended! Here's a promotional interview with The Man Himself.

Katanga!

Some more guys who are pretty nifty with stringed instruments. These fellers are French, but never mind.

Bireli Lagrene

Ben | MySpace Video

Mad Russians

Presumably, these guys are avilable now for weddings and bar-mitzvahs. Should go down a storm!

It Ain't Over Till It's Over

And so, as the sun sets sail in the west and the ship sinks over the horizon, we near the end of our extended sojourn on the Isle of Aphrodite.
Isle of stupid builders, more like! We've just about reached the point in this here project where I had hoped (rather optimistically) we might have been by the end of April.  Never mind, after much argy-bargy, here we are and there you go. We've had a final meeting with Sid James and Kenneth Williams (builder, architect respectively - Carry On Blundering) from which I absented myself as I can no longer stand to be in the same room as t'builder. El Presidente very nobly handled the negotiations and has left the architect with a five-page, fifty three point memorandum of areas in which various Cypriot digits need to be extracted. There was meanwhile a frantic flurry of activity yesterday as t'builder tried to get things done before we leave, in the hope that we might pay him some more money. No chance, Monkeyface! It still ain't finished! We await the architect's directions in this matter.

At the moment, we have the electrician here doing a job that the builder forgot to tell him to do yesterday. This has been a fairly typical occurrence. However, at least the air conditioning has been restored to the existing building so El Presidente's ancestors will be able to breathe of an evening when they are here in a couple of weeks' time. Mysteriously, a massive load of ready-mixed concrete has been delivered and is parked on the back veranda upstairs. It's in a huge metal container, about two cubic metres I guess. I have no idea what this is for, unless it's the stuff needed to finish off the drains on the ground floor, in which case there's going to be a lot of running up and down stairs with buckets.

Dusk

I was sitting on the balcony yesterday evening reading quietly when an alpine swift swooped past me, about one metre away. Swish. So I sat for a while and watched him and his mates enjoying their evening swoopageness, and it struck me after a few minutes that you don't hear or see the swifts in the morning. They don't begin to appear until after morning coffee; eventually by about an hour before sunset they have taken over the sky. They disappear again when darkness falls. I wonder where they go and what they're doing?

Meanwhile, at dusk the bats appear. They fly much lower than the swifts and their pattern of flight is quite different even though they too are catching insects. Being much lower in the air there's no thermals for them to glide on, I suppose. But they nevertheless avoid hitting the buildings.

Calendario En Espanol

Aquí está un pequeño gráfico maravilloso que precisa los accesorios de la taza de mundo. ¡Si el juego español del tem tan suavemente como esto que merecen conseguir al final!
Mundial 2010

What A Plonker!

Besides behaving like a complete and utter loony, and displaying a total lack of respect for his customers and the architect, this nitwit:

Failed to include four upright columns to support the main concrete beams in the crown of the roof.

Did not remove old water pipes but concreted them into the new floor and did not disconnect them, with the result that when the water was turned on at the mains the new floor was flooded.

Built the exterior wall at the front one metre short of where it should have been.

Put the roof on before installing the plumbing in the roof space.

Built ceilings 15 cm lower than in the plans.

Made the windows the wrong size.

Completely messed up the tiling of the bathroom.

Wrecked two air conditioning units.

Built the veranda walls too low.

Installed the wrong size marble for door steps.

and many more.

What London looked like today

What A Plumber!

The plumber was here for most of the day sorting out the multifarious pipes criss-crossing the roof and dangling over the side of the building. These should have been incorporated into the roof space but weren't (see entry for 20 May). So they are being put into conduits and at least made to look a bit more tidy - it has been deemed impractical and prohibitively expensive to remove the roof and do it right. Moreover, some of the pipes are under the concrete floor of the new flat because they were brought into the building at the wrong point. Ho hum.

So all this activity meant that the water supply was turned off for the day, but when he left us at tea-time the plumber assured us everything was back to 'normal'. Not so. El Prez went into the shower and found no water at all coming out of any taps. So she phoned the plumber "Try turning the valve on the tank" he says. Nothing happened. Eventually he agreed to come back and check it out. After about an hour of fiddling about up and down from the roof he discovered his error - he had connected the water for the existing flat to the new flat upstairs. Aha.

Meanwhile, he has not been able to finish work for the new flat because the builder hasn't done the necessary for fitting the water tank in place; finishing a wall or two, grouting floor tiles and so forth. So the plumbing adventure continues.

Israel Schmisrael

There's a nice piece of sarcasm written by Mark Steel in today's Independent, in which he lets rip at the Israelis over their attack on the aid convoy heading for Gaza.

Whether you are pro-Palestinian, pro-Israeli or are are just fed up with the whole lot of them, I don't see how this attack by Israel can be justified. It wasn't a surprise; they knew who was on board and that they weren't armed; and that they were only carrying 'humanitarian aid' - not weapons. So why send in an elite commando force, armed to the teeth, in a dramatic helicopter-launched trigger-happy assault? Maybe somebody has been watching too many Hollywood macho movies.

Someone should be put on trial for this. And the irony is that Israel's action will only serve to further polarise the situation and recruit people to the Palestinian's cause.
Addendum: The Greek Cypriots have a different angle on this, arising from their distrust of the Turks. They question why the Turks, who have rarely been known to help  anyone except themselves, should want to get involved in a 'humanitarian aid' operation. It seems the flotilla originally intended to embark from Larnaca but, because the Cyprus Government is involved in delicate negotiations with the Israeli Government over drilling rights in the Mediterranean, permission was refused. So instead the flotilla embarked from Famagusta which is in the Turkish-occupied territory and an 'illegal port' i.e. not officially recognised by any country except Turkey so no ships except Turkish ones ever call there. The Greek Cypriot view is that Turkey wanted to encourage the use of Famagusta in order to help render it de facto a legitimate port.

Keats and Chapman: Avicultural Merchandise

Chapman was idling along Grafton Street in Dublin one day, musing on the vast array of expensive designer-wares being offered for sale. He raised his eyebrows at a shop window containing nothing but handbags, all with their labels on the outside. "Perhaps they forgot them and had to add them later", he ventured. He encountered an emporium of dubious women's clothing which acclaimed itself to be haute couture for the aficionado, but averted his eyes lest he be tempted to impure thoughts. Imagine his startled face, however, when but a few yards further along he came abruptly to a halt in front of 'Keats & Co: Ornithologist's Requisites and Supplies. Purveyors of Feathered Friends to The Gentry.'

Beads of sweat emerged on Chapman's forehead as he pondered the significance of this unexpected and alarming development in the world of commerce. Keats had hitherto not been one for trade, considering it beneath his calling as an intellectual and philosopher extraordinaire. Chapman feared the worst but he knew that ultimately he would have to enquire of The Great Man sooner or later or face the consequences of a diatribe against his inclination towards indifference. He stepped across the threshold of the boutique to the accompaniment of a tinkling bell above the door.

"Ah, Chapman, my good fellow!" enunciated Keats. "Good to see you have joined the throng of twitchers and fellow-travellers beating a path to my door in search of the necessaries. What is your pleasure?"

Chapman blushed. He had not intended a purchase, merely an explanation. He ummed and arred for a second or two and shuffled nervously.

"I sense some uncertainty," Keats continued, "Perhaps I can elucidate a little. You see before you a man hitherto reluctant to dirty his hands with the workings of Mammon. But I am on a mission! We must encourage our fellow man to take more than a passing interest in zoological affairs, particularly where the feathered varieties are concerned. Not only do they provide a vital link in the endless ecological firmament but, if domesticated, they can be a companion to the lonely and disabled. Why, imagine John Silver without his parrot to console him in his dejection after being outwitted by Jim Hawkins!"

Chapman's eyebrow raised itself skyward. "Yes, a lonely and disabled wretch indeed. And I see you have some parrots here in your shop. These are for sale, I presume?"

"Most definitely. They have been exciting much interest amongst the locals who are unused to the flying denizens of the tropics. Down here by your kneecaps" Keats pointed, " We have the psephotus haematonotus, or red-rumped parrots and up there by your shoulder, psittinus cyanurus, the blue-rumped variety. Both are very fine specimens but you should be aware that the blue fellow will cost you more in the long run."

"Oh, and why is that?" queried Chapman.

" Ah well. That's because they are on higher perches," explained Keats.

Chapman grimaced and, fuming, exited the premises.

Classical Logic: Modus Ponendo Ponens

Some say Socrates was an awkward old cuss. But he devised systems of logical argument which were taken up by Plato, and further defined and formulated by Aristotle. All clever stuff which has formed the basis of doing philosophy ever since. Modus ponens is a very common rule of inference, and takes the following form: If P, then Q. P is the case. Therefore, Q. If you want to get technical you could express it like this:

 I confess that I find all this a tad mind-boggling at times. I read it through and I think to myself 'Ah, yes. I see.' Then about half a second later I'm thinking 'Erm, what was that again?' Whatever. I have nevertheless managed to figure out this much, and I'm convinced it is logical, valid and sound - as prescribed by Yer Man:

If the building work is a mess, then the builder is a useless idiot.

The building work is a mess

Therefore, the builder is a useless idiot.

The builder is Marinos Konstantinos.

Therefore, Marionos Konstantinos is a useless idiot.

MarinosMash

We have had not a few problems with this here building project, several of them pretty basic involving the failure to follow a plan and/or use a tape measure. But what has made it almost impossible to deal with has been the mental condition of the builder. He is a nutter.

To give you some idea of the tense nature of our dealings with this nitwit, presented herewith is my first attempt at what I'm told the youngsters of today call a 'mashup'. It features the sounds of the builder doing his nut after being questioned about some of the series of incompetencies committed by him and his employees.

Now That's What I Call An Argument, Vol.97

First Gentleman: The classical methodology of the rational dialectic is our only road to truth. Don't try to deny it!

Second Gentleman: You and your dialectic. Mindless repetition of the post-Enlightenment meta-narrative! You have to start with radical doubt; post-structuralism is just classical sceptical thought cast in the language of semiotics!

First Gentleman: You've got a point there.

Second Gentleman: Good of you to say so.

First Gentleman: Fancy a pint?

Second Gentleman: I don't mind if I do.

I wish all arguments were like this.

Ziggy Clegg

Stumbled across this at davidbowie.com. It is allegedly Nick Clegg aged 22 dressed as David Bowie in his Ziggy Stardust persona. The resemblance is not very good, either to Ziggy or Nick Clegg. He looks more like some plonker in a cheap party wig from the £1 shop who's been mucking about with his little sister's face paint set.

No doubt yet more embarassing details and/or pictures of Clegg will emerge now that everyone knows who he is.

The Birds

There are five species of birds that we have a lot of around here. There's the ubiquitous pigeons which make the most monotonous noise ever; cu-coo-cu, repeatedly, and it's about as irritating as an alarm clock that you can't turn off. If I could get my hands on these blighters I would gladly throw them across the room. We have zillions of sparrows whose chirruping is considerably more varied and cheerful. Several hooded crows, with their caw-caw cackle as they fly past the window, back and forth every morning. And squillions of swifts. I have identified two different types so far; the alpine swift, with the cream coloured breast, and the common swift. These fellows are just passing through on their way to or from Africa and Northern Europe. They make a spectacular display of flying from the mid-afternoon to evening as they swoop and glide whilst catching insects in mid-air. They seem to do this stunt flying for fun as well, dive-bombing each other or grouping into squadrons that zoom around in formation, dodging buildings.

None of them pay any attention to the humans.

Fun on a Sunday - FUNDAY FLAPJACKS!

"What do you want to do today Susannah?"
"I want to eat. I want flapjack. Make me flapjack."

It was a round half past three that we realised we had no oats. So rushing to the Co-op who are gud with fud we picked up a few. One kilogram to be precise.
Recipe for the flapyjacky can be found in Susannah's brain as she pretty much made it up. Baked for around 20, until we smelled burning baked goods.
Out of the oven, cut into uneven squares and taste test.

Result: P.D.G (pretty damn good). Chewy flapjack goodness.

Old Faithful's Big Brother

Here's The Boy Wonder fiddling about during a sound check thingy, plectrum between his teeth. But that's not the main import of our attention today. No. It's the amplifier doodad through which his twiddlings are being passed.

This is a Selmer Treble n' Bass 50 Watt tube amplifier going through a Selmer 100 watt cabinet, containing four (count 'em') twelve inch speakers. I acquired this noble assembly in 1974 when I swapped my 30 watt combo amp for it with the estimable 'Big' John Devereaux. Since then it has had two reconditionings, most recently last year, and been carted around various dives and dens, garages and attics. It is not often played at full volume as planning permission is required, and the Health & Safety Executive must be in attendance along with members of the emergency services.

More cumbersome than yer average modern-day set-up but more powerful than Mr Mighty Megaton McMegaton after a megaton breakfast.

Keats and Chapman: Great Military Victories, Part 94

Keats and Chapman once undertook a perigrinatory tour of Mesopotamia, travelling across much of the teritory which had once been conquered by Alexander the Great, prior to his death. The intrepid travellers had traversed the northern part of what had once been Assyria and were close to its ancient capital of Nineveh when they paused for the night, and sat and pondered as they watched the River Tigris flow past the site of ancient trade routes which had connected the Mediterranean Sea and the Indian Ocean.

"Of course," enunciated Keats, "You will recall that it was nearby that Alexander fought and destroyed the last army ever raised by an Achaemanian king, leading to the eventual destruction of the palace of Xerxes in Persepolis."

Chapman hoped his face was hidden in the darkness as he recognised the portents of another of Keats' expositions.

"There was a lunar eclipse, which enables us to date the battle as having taken place on 1 October 331 BC."

Chapman raised his eyebrows as Keats continued.

"Darius III had sent his General Mazaeus and his Bactrian cavalry to oppose the conquering Macedonian. But to no avail, as yer man Alexander was a crafty devil and no mistake. If you cast your eyes over in that direction you will see the location in the great plain of The Battle of Guagamela where Darius was put to flight, along with his camels and mercenaries."

Chapman inhaled as he realised that the great scholar was waiting for him to ask for an explanation of the the historical conflagration. He bit the bullet and ventured an interogatory remark. "So, how was it that Alexander overcame the Persian hordes?", he queried.

"With the utmost guile and originality, my friend. Alexander could see that Darius' forces although numerically stronger were concentrated in one body. So he deduced that a pincer movement would make short work of them. Coordination of the two arms of the pincer would be crucial, as I'm sure you would agree."

Keats jabbed the dozing Chapman in the ribs.

"Indeed, indeed" dribbled Chapman, who had unconcsciously begun to anticipate his night's rest after a long day in the company of The Great Man.

"Alexander summoned the two generals who were to command the pincer movements. He gave each of them a cloth rag and instructed them to bind these around their left wrist, and to take their troops under cover of night to opposing points on opposite sides of the plain and to wait till dawn. 'You will be out of sight of each other and of Mazaeus and his soldiers,' explained Alexander, 'but when the sun rises and shines on that cloth rag, which is currently coloured red, you will see that it changes colour to amber. This is a sign that you should prepare your troops to advance. After a short time, the sun's light will cause the cloth to turn green. This is the time to move. If you proceed at the speed for which I have trained you, your respective forces will arrive simultaneously on the necks of the accursed Persians, just as my central force attacks their vanguard.'"

Chapman was transfixed in rapt attention as he clung to Keats' every word. "And how did the the action proceed?"

"It was a tremendous success! The Persians were obliterated in a three-pronged assault, perfectly coordinated. And it was all thanks to Alexander's Rag Time-Band."

Chapman bade his friend good night and retreated into his sleeping bag.

At Your Newsagents Now

Old Faithful

Some time ago, I brought my old guitar to Cyprus where it has remained for playing purposes whenever one visits. It's a Fender F-15 acoustic that I bought in 1972 at the Fender Soundhouse in London, for £29. Incredible price really, even for 38 years ago - it was 'shop-soiled' i.e. the finish on the neck is scratched and there's a small dent in the back. Made in Japan.

Any road up, it has provided amazingly good service over the years. I've just been up to 'Nicos Musical Instruments' and bought some new strings - Dean Markley HDXL - and given the guitar a wash and brush up and it sounds great. Still stays in tune, only a slight amount of warping in the neck (not so's you'd notice unless you were a guitar geek). The saddle on the bridge is plastic - I reckon if this were to be replaced with one made from bone or synthetic bone, it'd sound even better. But I'm afraid 'Nicos Musical Instruments' does not stock such things.

I got engaged in a conversation with 'Nicos' and it turns out he spent 34 years in London working as a guitarist and bouzouki player before returning to Larnaca. Quite a cool person musically, but he exhibited the xenophobic/racist attitudes that are becoming prevalent in Cyprus these days. According to Nicos it seems all life's problems can be attributed to the existence of 'Arabs' and 'Musselmen'. (That's an old-fashioned word for Muslims). I mentioned Cat Stevens/Yusuf Islam as an example of a cool musical Greek Cypriot 'Musselman' but the point was lost on him.

Hot Flushes

We've had a few problems with the plumbing on this here building project. A proper plan was not drawn up initially by the architect because he thought one should not be needed seeing as it wasn't a particularly big job. But he reckoned without the perverse outlook of the builder and his sub-contractor plumber chappie. Consequently it's been a case of make it up as you go along and everyone has a different idea next day. At no point did either of them ask for a plan.

When El Prez saw what a mess things were she chipped in with some solutions which were implemented and gradually things got going. Meanwhile, the builder and the plumber had a hissy fight and the plumber walked off the job. They are all a bit temperamental, these fellows. El Prez persuaded him to come back on the grounds that he ought to fix the things he's messed up and it would cost a lot to get someone else in to take over.

There is a major difficulty yet to be overcome, which is that all the pipes are just laid  higgledey  piggledey across the roof rather than tucked neatly away inside the roof space. This is basically because the builder put the roof on too soon; or he didn't get the plumber in soon enough. Either way it's going to mean a bodge it job to put it right. And they want to charge us extra for doing it!

While the plumber has been coming and going he's been disconnecting and reconnecting the water supply to the rest of the house. So for several days we had cold mains water only, and for a couple of days none at all. But since last Thursday he has had the hot water connected to the cold taps and the cold water connected to the hot taps. And this means that the toilet cistern fills up with hot water when you flush it. It's quite novel to have steam ensuing from the toilet bowl. He's putting it right today.

(Note: The plumber is an Arsenal fan. Need I say more?)

Check it out!

Tonight was the opening night of my photography course's exhibition at The Courtyard Arts in Hertford.

Take a look at Courtyard Arts

From the website:

The Speed of Light - Hertford Regional College - NCFE

18th May - 22nd May

Digital Photographic exhibition of exciting varied images created by participants from Hertford Regional College - department of creative arts and industries, using cutting edge digital technology.

It all went swimmingly well with quote an impressive turnout. Emma made some snazzy brochures and there was a free wine!

We could all pick our own theme, so there was quite a collection on show. Some landscape, some portraits, some close-ups, some experimenting with shutter speed and some of boats. Mine involved mirrors and trees. More on that story later.

The show is open until Saturday, so go and have a wander around.

They Must Think We're Stupid, Vol. 97

In the coalition agreement that Cameron has persuaded Clegg to sign up to, they propose to change the constitutional provision for removing the Government and forcing a General Election. Hitherto, this has required only a simple majority in a 'No Confidence' motion voted on by Parliament. Cameron wants to change this to require the vote to be by a majority of at least 55% of MPs. Now then, even if the Lib Dems get fed up of the coalition and vote against Cameron together with all the other MPs that only adds up to 52.8% of the total. So to unseat Cameron, there'd have to be some suicidal Tory MPs joining the opposition, willing to risk losing their own seats in an election.

Cameron intends to introduce this change by a simple motion in the House of Commons. In addition, he intends to introduce a fixed Parliamentary term of five years. So, in effect, he's guaranteeing himself at least five years in the job. Plenty of time to set yourself up for a lucrative post-Parliamentary career.

I remember the Alternative Vote system being discussed in the election campaign - it was in the Labour Manifesto. But I don't recall anything about these particular proposals. Does he think we haven't noticed?