Tuesday, 5 April 2011

Splice The Mainbrace: Trouble At Sea

Trouble At Sea.
- a poem, on the occasion of Pierre's visit to Whitby,

  by Alfredo von Widdlesworth-Shortarse.

Cap'n Pierre and his not-so trusty crew
Set sail from old Whitby;
It was nearly, but not quite,
a quarter to two.
"Avast there ye pox-ridden lubbers!"
Cried the mean, grizzly Cap'n.
"Look lively, ye lazy fat buggers!"
 "We've whales to catch, the North sea to cross, afore the day's out,"
Cursed the Captain.
"So there's no time for youse lot to be hangin' about!"
The crew shuffled together and, as a man, stared back,
Scurvy knaves and veterans
Of the devil-spawned Captain's most recent ship wrack.
"That's all very well",
said Old Pegleg Pat
Shifting from side to side,
"But from where I'm stood it's not as simple as that."
"There be whales a-plenty a-swimmin' in the sea,
And seagulls flying above.
But there be a problem ahead for them such as we."
"And, pray, what be that?" asked Cap'n Pierre,
His eyebrow askance at Old Pat.
"We's all shipshape as far as I be aware."
"Well," says Old Pegleg, "You daft pantaloon,
As you know perfectly well,
You ain't got no licence for your flippin' harpoon!"
"It's in the post, I tell ye," spat Cap'n Pierre
Staring at Pegleg with hate in his eye,
"And if the Customs don't like it, see if I care."
"Pull the other one!" says Old Pegleg Pat
Forgetting for a moment
That she'd hit the deck if the Cap'n did that.
The crew looked from Pegleg to Cap'n and back,
Uncertainty reigned, fear crept in.
Unlicensed whaling! Alas and alack!
Conflicted by fear and love for their Captain
(The Keeper of The Banjo
That was once owned by Clapton).
Pegleg looked grim, and wobbled her knee,
As the Cap'n, all smiles, pleaded
"Now come on lads, worse things happen at sea."
"We's old salts and form-fillin' don't matter!
Don't listen to Pegleg,
She's a borin' old fart, and mad as a hatter!"
At this foul epithet Pat felt somewhat insulted
She girded her loins
And, hopping to starboard, caused the fate that resulted.
The ship toppled over and turned upside down,
Capsized and not floating.
All hands fell to sinking; they feared they would drown.
But just at that moment, a whale did appear
It spewed from it's spout
"Oy! you lot! You can't park that boat here!"
Bad luck was the Captain's old friend, but he hadn't known
He'd steered his vessel
Into a three lined compulsory no parking zone.

Bedraggled, disgruntled and soaked to the skin,
Pierre and crew were landed
In nearby Scarborough, much to their chagrin.
With no ship and no money, his sea-faring future was lost
A parking fine and clamping fee:
Cap'n Pierre had no hope ever to meet with the cost.
Bankrupt and bereft he stared alone at the moon,
Pegleg had warned him:
You shouldn't go whaling with an unlicenced harpoon.

© Doggerel and Doggerel Inc. (SA) 2011

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